July 21: RPGs and why I can’t play them.

Do you know what RPGs stand for? It means Role Playing Games.

Think Final Fantasy, Skyrim, WoW, yadda yadda yadda.

I have friends who spend hours on these games. I don’t just mean a few, I mean a lot. And I just don’t get them!

I have a limited attention span, I have no sense of direction or memory of where I have been in a game, I get bored if there is no definite ending in sight, and basically? I just get bored of the whole game.

Now – give me Mario. I will play that bad boy down. Even PokeMon Snap! on 64 will get played within an inch of it’s life. What do these two have in common, other than the fact that they are played on two of the coolest systems ever brought out by Nintendo? They have definite endings. There is no “If I go this way, then that way, then bend over and kiss my butt, I will get another inch closer to the end!”
There is just “hey, keep going to the right! The castle will be there!”

Plain and simple, yes? I think so. My life is confusing and hectic enough – I don’t want to play it as well! I like simplicity. I like that I only have to jump on a Goombas head once, and know that the bastard isn’t going to come back alive to me! Ok, I know this example is moot when you get to the baddies, but hey, go with me.

I have watched my friends play their games, and usually, once they hit the “start” button, I am lost. They look at compasses and know which direction to go in, they worry about things like bandits and bears and skeletons jumping at them, and I’m just sitting there with a blank look on my face. I couldn’t even master Spyro, how am I going to grasp this?

Sit me down with a SNES controller, put in Mario (Or Yoshi, if you’re feeling super generous) and watch me tear it up. I can play those games with my eyes closed because I have been playing them for years and love them. (P.S – I did actually finish a level with my eyes closed once. Possibly my proudest moment.) You know where things are going to be, you don’t have to worry about them coming at you with a bayonet thats laced with some poison that will turn you inside out. You just have to get to the end of the level.

I guess this actually says a lot more about my intelligence level than I realised. I just don’t like long, involved processes. Short, Simple, and to the point is how to win me over in a game.

Now pass me that controller. I need to beat my best time on Mario Kart.

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