Ramblings of a Ringless Wife

Ringless Wife, Messy House, Cluttered Brain. All in a standard day.

January 2nd: Being asked an unanswerable question.

on January 2, 2012

Have you ever been asked an unanswerable question?

I have two things that I would move Heaven and Earth to have. They’re not materialistic, such as a new car, a house, or even my midwifery dream.

Both of these things are so deeply buried in my soul that when I was asked to choose, I honestly couldn’t. I found a question to which I had no answer, and Google couldn’t even help me!
To take a quote from the distinguished Captain Feathersword, you could have blown me down with a feather! Wow… two of my deepest, fiercest dreams and someone was expecting me to make a choice. I thought on this conundrum for days; and I still don’t have an answer, but I now highly doubt I ever will.

“Hey Kloi… If you had to choose between having a baby, or having your nan back, what would you choose?”

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My Great-Grandmother, Ellen Mary, was born on 30/10/1917 and joined my Pop after more than 20 years of widow-ship on 16/3/2010. To say that my world was broken is an understatement. Few know just how deeply depressed and black I became. My life was shaken, and it will never be the same. Ever.

Nanny was a verifiable angel. She grew up in the depression, so if anything was free she took it with both hands! She never drank, but did have a shandy at birthdays, christenings, weddings and funerals… considering there is over 100 descendants of her, I’m sure you can see the funny side to that statement. She was “the Knitting Lady” in my hometown, and every body loved her. Nanny was devoutly religious, and knew from an early age that one day she would be worthy of God and a place in Heaven. My Mum said after Nanny has passed, “I certainly hope there is a God, because if there isn’t, Nanny is gonna be pi-iiiissed!”

Nanny was not just “Nan” to our family. She was, to just about every one, Nanna Midson.
But to me, she was something worth aspiring to. To my mum, Nan was even more.
Don’t get me wrong, there are times where I think I should have done more for Nanny. I should have behaved differently and realised the jewel she was much earlier than I did. But, I like to think that Nanny always knew how much I loved her – and I never left her company without telling her so – and that she knew how pivotal she was to my life.

For the last couple of months of Nanny’s life, I began driving to Myrtleford of a Thursday afternoon, and taking Nanny out for lunch and a “caffecina” at Heiners Bakery. When she was admitted to hospital in Early March. 2010, I realised that I wasn’t going to have my Nanny forever… I wasn’t going to have my Nanny for a few more months… I was going to be lucky to have her for a few more days.

Every second day I was in Myrtleford, sitting beside Nanny in her hospital. We would talk… or rather, I would talk, and Nanny would nod at the Angels who I believe were surrounding her bed. If she slept, I would sit quietly and read. But when she was in pain, or delirious… It was the most agonising thing in my life. I was watching someone who had kissed my booboos, made me yummy meals, hugged my hurt away, and taught me more in the final weeks of her life than anyone else ever will. And I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t ease it. I couldn’t help her.

I learnt what helplessness was. On March 15th, I had to leave the room, and I could still hear her screams and cries from inside, through a closed door. I stood outside her door, sobbing because I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t do anything.

That was the last time I saw her. If only I knew then what I do know.

I was due to go back on the 17th, and had planned to be there by 1130am. But at 7.13am on the 16th, I was woken by Daniel. I told him how I felt weird, and how I just wanted to cry. I remember him saying, “It’s about to get worse. She’s gone, Babe.”

I remember lying there for a minute, being totally stunned, but hearing this banshee-like scream in my head. And the flood gates opened. I cried myself sick.
I went out the front to have a smoke, and I could still see my Grandmothers footprints from where she came to the door to tell Daniel. And I cried. I screamed. I vomited. And I hated. Hated, everything.

Realising that Nanny was gone wasn’t happening for me – and it still isn’t to an aspect. I remember her funeral, and I remember doing what I know she would have wanted me to. But in reality, the weeks and months passed afterward in a vale of tears. I only found out much later how worried so many people were of me.

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I even now have bouts where I can’t stop crying. Ask my manicurist, Rach! She copped it the other day, unlike any one has in the last few months.  And I posed to her the question asked of me. Rach gave me the simplest answer, and one I hadn’t even thought of… “I wouldn’t choose.”

I ended up answering the poser just as simply. “You can not make me choose between things like that.”

On reading back over this blog, I have deviated so far from what I wanted to say. This seemed to write itself, and as such, I don’t think I will change it.

Inside every persons life is a jewel. Cherish it, Polish it, Take better care of it than you do of yourself. One day, your jewel will be gone; your heart will be broken; and your life shattered.

In Memory Of,
Ellen Mary Midson
Born in Young, 30/10/1917
Died in Myrtleford, 16/03/2010

Good Morning Nanny. I love you.
I miss you more, today, than yesterday…
But not as much as tomorrow…

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3 responses to “January 2nd: Being asked an unanswerable question.

  1. Mum says:

    Good Morning you damn silly goat 🙂

  2. Kloi-Jayd says:

    it’s all your fault for plaiting my hair and buying me black knickers! xo ❤

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