Since everyone’s funny bones seem to be permanently switched to the “off” position, you are again left with my warped sense of humour! Start sending in your funnies people!
What type of things make you laugh?
For me, it’s things random, stupid, whacky and down right weird. Funny songs, ad’s, books, one liners are what really tickle me pink.
One of my favorites actually came from my cousin who was about ten at the time. This is not the exact wording he used, but as close as I could find.
Once upon a time there was a guy walking along on all fours. He comes to another man who he knows. This mans says to the man on all fours, “Mate, what are you doing crawling around on your knees?” The guy on his knees looks up at him and says, “I’m a turtle, I’m a turtle”. The guy looks at him and goes , “ahhh yeah righto” and off he goes.
Next day comes and the same thing happens. The guy asks him again, “Mate, what the HELL are you doing crawling around like that?”, “I’m a turtle, I’m a turtle”. The guy goes, “mate, you’ve lost your mind, cya later”.
Third day comes. Same thing again. “Mate, what are you doing? ” , “I’m a turtle, I’m a turtle”. The guy looks at him and goes, “That’s it, it’s official, you’re totally off your head, crazy, stupid” and off he goes.
Fourth day, the guy comes around the corner on all fours again, this time he’s got a girl on his back. The man says to him, “I thought you’d lost your mind before, but this one really takes the cake. What are you doing now?” The guy says to him, “I’m a turtle, I’m a turtle”. The other guy goes to him “But yeah, what’s that on your backl?” The guy looks up at him and say, “Oh, that’s MICHELLE!”.
Another one of my favorite ones is: What is Postman Pat going to be when he retires? Pat!
Blonde jokes never get old either:
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”
The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. “Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”
And then there is the standard M.v.W jokes:
Advantages Of Being A Woman
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend’s clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We’ve never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies … (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we’re gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE’RE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. It’s possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
15. We don’t have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
20. If we’re dumb, some people will find it cute.
21. We don’t have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we’re aware that we look like an idiot.
25. Our friends won’t think we’re weird if we ask whether there’s spinach in our teeth.
26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
27. We’ll never regret piercing our ears.
28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions
I hope you all had a great day celebrating this wonderful country of ours!
AND SEND ME IN YOUR FUNNIES!!!