YAY! Some peoples funny bones have finally fixed themselves!
Every body needs to laugh and smile. Did you know that ten-minutes of belly laughing is as good an exercise as 20 minutes jogging? It is also a proven that laughing can help head aches, sadness, and minor aches and pains from the release of Endorphins. In the words of Elle Woods “Endorphins make you happy! People who release endorphins just don’t kill their husbands!”
Tonights funnies have been sent to me by my Aunt in England. I hope you get a giggle out of it, I did whilst I was reading it!
Something tells me these pictures mean it was last day at work!
When insults had class
No 4-letter words!! These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words, not to mention waving middle fingers.
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, “If you were my husband I’d give you poison,” and he said, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.” “That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”
“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill
“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.” – Winston Churchill
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” Clarence Darrow
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner
(about Ernest Hemingway).
“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?” – Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas
“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.” – Abraham Lincoln
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde
“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend…. if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.” – Winston Churchill, in response.
“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright
“He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.” – Samuel Johnson
“There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.” Jack E. Leonard
“He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.” – Robert Redford
“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” – Charles, Count Talleyrand
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde
“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening but this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx
And Finally, And Oldie But A Goodie:
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of The men to a large metal door and handed Him a gun.
‘We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting In a chair . .. . Kill her!!’
The man said, ‘You can’t be serious. I could Never shoot my wife.’ The agent said, ‘Then you’re not the right man For this job. Take your wife and go home.’
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was Quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, ‘I tried, But I can’t kill my wife.’ The agent said, ‘You don’t Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.’
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one After another.. They heard screaming, crashing, Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
‘This gun is loaded with blanks’ she said. ‘I had to
Beat him to death with the chair.’
Women are crazy. Don’t mess with them!
Have a Great day lovelies!