Hitting that bottom was devastating for me. I felt hideous, I looked hideous, I was hideous. I was so down that I told Dan that I would understand if he wanted to leave me.
This was leading up to my mothers 40th birthday. My siblings and I decided to get her portraits, and get some for my grandmother as well. I tried to hide behind the others because I looked pregnant.
I hate these photos. I have to see them every time I go to my mothers or grandmothers. It was and still is a humiliating experience. They make me feel so ashamed of myself. How anyone could think I was pretty was impossible to comprehend.
I was so unhealthy. I was so unhappy. I was, ironically, a shadow of my former self. I could hide in a corner. It was where I was safe, and where I could be away from eyes that I knew were judging me.
I started hiding from photos which would show my body. I became the photographer, not the photographed. I would go out of my way to avoid being in an exposure. If I had to be in it, I would hide behind others so only my head could be seen. It was time for me to take action.
My weight was holding me back from everything, including starting the family that Daniel and I wanted. I began seeing my Doctor, who directed me to a dietitian.
Then I had a friend direct me to www.calorieking.com.au where I could learn about calorie intake. It was my godsend. After about three months, I started seeing results.
The bulge was slowly diminishing, and you could actually see that I had boobs! WOO! The biggest part for me was letting go of the self loathing. I had to stop hating on myself! After ten years of it, stopping was hard. I had to reprogram my thoughts and feelings, which was so close to impossible I almost gave up.
The reason that calorieking was good for me is because it showed me I could still eat Maccas, KFC, Red Rooster, well, any fast food. I just had to choose different things and factor it into my calorie intake for the day. It took some getting used to, and boy did I crave those fatty, yummy, scrumptious double cheeseburgers. I missed thigh pieces of chicken more than anything, because I just wanted the skin on them so badly I could have killed someone for it.
The thing I had to consciously think of was that it was ok to screw up every now and then. If I made a mistake, it was OK, it didn’t mean my whole diet was out of the window. It meant I had to get up, wipe the crumbs off, and start again. Having one day off a week to splurge on whatever I wanted was a huge help to me. If I wanted something I would make a note of it, and then on my free day I would eat it if I still wanted it.