You know what sucks? And not “Oh, I broke a nail!” sucks: it’s like “well, that just shattered me a little bit more” sucks.
When you hear news that you know you should be over the moon excited about, but you just can’t be.
And you know why you can’t be happy for whoever the people involved are? Because you’re jealous. Green as Grapes Jealous.
This is a feeling I get just about every day, and only for one thing. I am a great actress though, I can usually swallow it down so deeply that I am only aware of it every now and then.
What makes it incredibly hard, and makes me as angry as a bear woken from hibernation, is when people don’t appreciate and understand the absolute miracle they have been given.
It makes me see red, and in all honesty, a little tiny part of me is hating; passionately, deeply, and fervently.
People do not understand why it is hard for some women to be happy when another person gets what they have always wanted. People do not see how much it stings, and how much being told of the event actually hurts. It is like a physical pain rips through you for the most fleeting of a second.
When something comes so easily to a person whilst you have to fight tooth and nail to achieve it, you cannot help but feel resentful, angry, hurtful, self-pitying, and just down right sad. People will never understand why you feel these things unless they have been through it themselves.
Platitudes of “It will happen when it’s meant to” are the most insulting of well-meant words, because sometimes, that is just not how it works. You can only be told that so many times before you begin to lose faith in the statement and it pisses you more than eases you.
People also don’t seem to understand that having a condition which hampers any attempt you make is not a choice and cannot be just “dealt with.”
It is like living with a permanent grief. You grieve for what you want; You grieve for what you know you may never get; You grieve for any hopes, dreams and thoughts that are unceremoniously abolished by a well-meaning doctor and an unlucky turn on life’s roulette.
Sometimes, people don’t understand that grieving for what might have been is just as soul shattering as grieving for a person you lost. You learn to live with it, but every now and again it hits you like a tonne of bricks, and leaves you breathless. Yes, Breathless.
And people will never understand why the jealousy can over take the happiness. NEVER.
After a while, you learn how to be happy for a person… and you learn how you’re meant to react, and what you’re meant to say, and what sort of expression to put on your face. You learn to master these little things. You learn how to individually tailor for the person you are reacting to.
And you learn to hide your deepest feelings just that little bit further down inside your soul.