To every body who reads this blog:
In any persons life, there is a day, a week, or a month that rips your heart out.
Mine is tomorrow.
This blog is almost like a therapeutic outlet for me. It is where I celebrate, commiserate, emulate, cry and vent.
So I need apologise in advance. Tomorrow nights blog is incredibly dark. It deals with my immediate emotions concerning the death of my Great-Grandmother. It explains the raw thoughts I had, The deals I made with a God that I’m not even sure exists, and the way that the bargaining I performed didn’t happen.
It is a very dark, twisted and morbid piece. It is one that was almost cathartic for me to let spew from my soul.
I will not apologise again for the darkness of it, because at the end of the day, this is my blog. This is where I go to unravel thoughts and feelings that are jumbled up in my mind.
March 16 is the date on which I lost my Nan and since then my life has never been the same. I have mentioned this so many times that I am sure you are almost used to it.
Learning to move on from a day that was two years is something that has been a never ending struggle for me. Counselling, talking, remembering dulls the pain for a short while, but it inevitably returns, and with a ferocity that seems to say “You tried to get rid of me, and this is your punishment for that.”
Tomorrow nights post was written almost two weeks ago, when the pain was at its peak: It was suffocating and I just had to let it out. Unfortunately for people reading this, it is you guys that will be targetted by it.
It is easier for me to let my emotions spill out on a page of haphazard writing, letters and words than it is to talk about it face-to-face. It is a buffer between me and the well-meaning people who heap platitudes that are nice and lovely in theory, but are not panacea for a person who feels like there are days when Hell cannot be much worse.
If you can just bear with me for today and tomorrow, I will appreciate it. But if you can’t, and tomorrows blog is too deep and dark for you, I appreciate that too. Not every one can put up with a post that speaks frankly and candidly about raw grief and pain, and that is perfectly OK..
I will see you on the other side of these days, and if I don’t, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sticking with me through the last 76 or part thereof days.