Ramblings of a Ringless Wife

Ringless Wife, Messy House, Cluttered Brain. All in a standard day.

May 6: 10 instances where being cold sucks.

on May 6, 2012

Let it be known, I hate this time of year. It has deceptively warm days and then at night it’s brass monkey season. Mother Nature seems to have her period for a whole month.

So, whilst sitting outside doing my blog, I thought of ten reasons why being cold sucks.

Nipted Erecles, Stipples, High Beams.
Ok, so this ones for the ladies. It doesn’t matter how thick your bra is, how many layers you have got on, or how many bandaids you have covering your nipples. Any man within a ten feet radius always laughs and points out “Cold, huh?”
Well, no shit. It’s ten degrees out, and you can see your breath. Did the beanie, three jumpers, scarf and track suit pants not give it away?

Your windscreen fogs up.
You’re driving along, all nice and toasty in your car. Next thing you know, you can’t see diddly squat in front of you because the screen is fogged up. You have two options: freeze your butt off while you demist it, or wipe an eye space an inch high and two inches wide to see out of. Personally, I take the eye space, and sometimes I don’t understand why the cars I don’t see have a problem with it.

You need twenty thousand blankets on your bed – that your partner promptly steals.
Alright, twenty thousand may be an exaggeration, but you get my drift. If you’re a lucky bastard and have an electric blanket, rest assured that at this time of year I hate you. I have layers upon layers on my bed that Daniel is constantly accusing me of stealing. I guess my toes that dropped off over night from frost bite are proof.

Your nose is frozen.
This is my least favorite thing about winter. I can’t feel my nose and am constantly worrying that I have snot making it’s way to my chin and I just don’t know about it. On the odd occassion when you’re out and you can feel the extremity, you may or may not be channeling Rudolph. At least I understand now why his nose is so red. It’s frozen!

Your partner has warmer clothes than you, that you have to steal serruptitiously.
Has anyone else noticed, that no matter how warm the jumpers and hoodies are that you buy, your other half’s is always warmer? Maybe it’s just me? Oh…
Daniel gets quite cranky because when he is not home, the first thing I put on his Metallica Hoodie because it’s warm as anything. I have jumpers of my own, but for some reason, his is warmer. Moral of the story? Just make sure you wash whatever you wear before he realises.

Your shitbox heater only heats the immediate space in front of it.
I have this problem, and it is why I tend to live at my grandparents whenever they are on holidays, whenever they are home, and whenever I am cold. Both sets have kick ass heaters that I would like to fit in the boot of my hatchback and just run away with. Impossible? Yeah, probably.
Whoever designed my house was not the smartest little cookie in jar. Where the heater is situated means it does not get any heat into any of the bedrooms, the kitchen, or the dining room. Basically, it’s just the lounge that cops the win.

You’re scared to go to the toilet in case you stick to the frozen seat.
I hate this!!! It makes me wish I had a toilet seat warmer, and has left me pondering the possibility of obtaining one. Personally, I will hold and hold and hold until I am atleast a little bit sure that my back side is not going to stick the seat. Of course I have never used a hair dryer to speed up this scenario… Never…

You go through a metric shit-tonne of coffee.
My coffee consumption goes up about a million percent during winter. Of course, this poses a problem with the above issue, but it means my insides are warm for a fraction of a second while the coffee trickles down my gullet. The tendency to yabber like a jack rabbit after all my consumption is a side effect that I will inflict on anyone and everyone, and no. Don’t switch to deCaf.

You feel an irrational hatred for the go-getters who are pounding the pavement with snot-cicles.
I always marvel at the people I see through my little eye hole when I drive past them on a cold and frosty morning. They’re pounding away, arms swinging, legs pumping, and I’m just watching them going, “Da Fuq?” I don’t know about you, but I can think of a million things to do that don’t involve freezing my ass off. Like dragging my doona into the loungeroom and watching other people excercise on TV. Passive participation for the win, yes?

You manage any outings around the heating that is available.
For example: I will go to any Coles, KMart, Target, Morgue or Library. Their heaters are the shiz-nit.
I will not go to Safeway, BigW, JBHiFi or Harvey Norman becase I spend the whole time trying to talk around my chattering teeth.
I have friends who I love dearly but their heaters suck and I try to avoid visiting them. Yeah, I’m a sook, but at least I’m not a cold sook!

Do you have any things in particular you hate about the cold? Shoot those icicles at me!



One response to “May 6: 10 instances where being cold sucks.

  1. mum says:

    hehehe, diddly squat

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