Ramblings of a Ringless Wife

Ringless Wife, Messy House, Cluttered Brain. All in a standard day.

June 21: Ways to make sure a trying-to-be-mother will kill you

on June 23, 2012

Back on the 5th of this month, I shared with you my favorite post and I decided that I would do an extension of it. I am going to add some points, expand on others, and probably just leave the rest. The blog’s title was “Domestic Enemies of the Trying to be a Mom” – and I can’t think of anything witty to name mine, So I am just going to ignore the title bit and leave it as “An extension of an old Post.”
Ok, we ready? Strap on your seat belts. It’s going to be a ranty ride.

Being the person in a group of people who is “unsuccessfully trying” is not an easy thing to do. You become the person that everyone asks “No Luck?” (Well, duh. Do you see a pram? Am I still gargling vodka?), “You should speak to so and so, they had problems too” (No thanks. My own self pity is quite enough), and the every popular “Do you know why it’s not working?” (Cue coy directive wave at the lady bits).

A word of warning, the use of any of these phrases may leave you with an ovulation test hanging out of your eye:

  • When are you going to have kids?
  • Don’t you know how babies are made?
  • OMG! Me too! It’s been like, I don’t know, 4 months. Doesn’t it make you feel horrible?
  • I can’t wait till the kids are grown up. I’m sick of having to clean them up.

First of all, unless you tried for a significant enough amount of time that your doctor got in on it, don’t tell me you know what it’s like. Don’t tell me that four months is fuh-evaaaa, because it’s not. You want know what a long time is? Years. For me, it’s been 4.5 years. For someone I know, it was nearly 10. As a side note, if you’re not sure of how long you have been trying, then it’s clearly not that big a deal to you.

The single most offensive thing you can say to anyone who is trying for a family is You’re so lucky you don’t have kids.
Um. WTF? Did you seriously just say that to someone who would give their other halves’ left nut for one? Really? You, sir, are a moron. Yes, I know I said that out loud.

Daniel and I are fully aware that there is Adoption and Foster Care available. Oh, we’re selfish in that we would like our own child, not someones elses? Excuse me while I brush down the high horse that you are sitting on, and I shall explain myself to you in the hopes that you still don’t understand but will wear an expression that says “You clearly don’t want kids, then.” Adoption and Foster Care are great. We have thought about adoption at great length, and have decided that should things not go the way we want them to in the next few years, we will look into it even further. Foster Care, however great a thing it is, is not always permanent, despite what you may think. Foster care is all about reuniting kids with their families eventually, and allowing them access and such. I would like to see you form an attachment with your child, only knowing that you may lose them at any time.

Why don’t we look into Surrogacy? Because I’m a greedy bitch. I won’t share my TimTams with anyone, but you expect me to share my unborn baby? Do you think I want to watch MY pregnancy, instead of BE pregnant? Aside from the fact that you always have the risk of the surrogate not wanting to hand over the child, you miss out on nine months of irreplaceable bonding  and spend that period being so insanely jealous of some other woman who is experiencing something  that you would sell your partner for. Give me back my TimTam dammit.

Do I know that there are Fertility treatments available? No. No I didn’t. All the drugs and hormones and needles and tests were because I felt like it. How silly is that? You want  to know a secret? I just really really wanted to know what hot flashes, murderous urges, insane appetite and chronic belly pain felt like. I’m such a silly head. Oh, did I just slip and your face bumped my fist? I’m sorry about that. It’s these damn medications that I’ve been trialling.

Do I know What’s wrong “down there” and can I fix it? It must be hard being defective.  Yes, yes I do. And I don’t particularly feel like discussing what is wrong with my “defective” body with someone who is an obtuse and rude asshat. If I could fix it, don’t you think I would have? I have no problem with talking to people about PCOS and the effects on women’s lives, but don’t you dare tell me I am defective. I tell myself that enough. Give me another freaking TimTam.

Do I know how babies are made? Sure I do! They get grown in pumpkin patches and cabbage patches, until a stork comes, picks one at random for you (that just happens to vaguely resemble you and be of the same ethnicity) and then they drop it ever so softly on the roof, which is when Dan has to go all SpiderMan and climb up there, and then he comes down with a little bundle of love that I had absolutely nothing to do with creating. Oh? That’s not how it goes?  Please enlighten me. From far, far away so that I can’t reach you. I think all these medications I don’t know about are making me volatile.

I just thought of a decent title for this blog. “Ways to make sure a trying-to-be-mother will kill you.”

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6 responses to “June 21: Ways to make sure a trying-to-be-mother will kill you

  1. littletash says:

    You do have a way with words – this made me giggle a lot! I can’t believe people have said this stuff to you, though, it’s totally awful. I truly hope your prayers are answered soon.

  2. People can seriously be ignorant – dare I say stupid – for the things they say. Unless you are living it – you don’t know. Hang in there (easier said than done). One day at a time & hope that your prayers are one day answered.

    • Kloi-Jayd says:

      I can usually take the questions and such that come with people knowing we are struggling; but when it comes to rude and just plain stupid questions – i.e, do I know how babies are made – I tend to get a little bit snarky. big love xo

  3. SJ says:

    Although I have not experienced your pain of not being able to conceive, I have experienced what it is like to loose a baby in the first 12 weeks of a pregnancy. 3 in fact, over 4 years. Let’s hope that th rest of this year will bring us new hope and answer our prayers. Is being mother too much to ask for? Xx

    • Kloi-Jayd says:

      I think you’re in a worse position than I am – You are losing a baby, where i just can’t make one. I wish I knew the words that would help, but I can only sympathise from a certain degree.
      Being a mother comes too easily to some, and too hard for others. Big Love, Big Big Big Love. xoxooxxo

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