Ask any woman who is TTC – you absorb any and all birth websites, blogs, tips, info, and humour like a sponge.
I don’t know if it is living vicariously or self-torture, but it is definitely something that women who are TTC do. We sit on pages, read blog after blog, lurk unashamedly, ask questions and salivate for the response. We research natural, water, caesar or lotus births. We sit there, riveted, to what others are going through.
We read scary, funny, sad, loving, and amazing stories of births, and take it all in as if it is the Holy Grail.
We develop opinions based on what we have read, knowing full well that they probably will change once we have conceived.
We learn new things, and keep them locked away in our head in a folder entitled “One Day I Will Need This.”
We can watch the goriest of birth videos, but still look for some more on the same line.
I am a big blog reader. I spend an awful amount of time on pages such as Birth Without Fear and Pregnant Chicken. While some of the blogs scare the living bejeebus out of me, I will continue reading, desperate to ingest the information and education because someday, I know, I will be grateful for it. I read stories of Placenta Encapsulation and feel my tummy turn, and then research it. (FYI, still not for me, but who knows what will happen?) I can tell you the different degrees of tearing and how they stitch them up.
I am, literally, like a freaking sponge. I can identify with the women who have struggled, and the stories about women with PCOS who have kids reduce me to tears. They throw that little bit of hope at me that i will cling to, grasp, hold tight and damn near strangle. I protect it like I protect my bacon – don’t you even try to take it from me, because I will Kill you.
If TTC’ers have iPhones or Androids, they will download every app available for hints, ovulation trackers, period trackers, and god knows what else. I cleared my phone the other day, and had over 25 apps just focused on the above.
Why do we do it to ourselves? Why do we download apps, read and buy books, and lurk the internet? Because we simply have to. We have to live vicariously like that because it’s the only way we can. It makes us feel like we have a modicum of control over something that we can’t change. It makes us feel like we can win, because we have everything to do with it at our beck and call. We read the blogs so that we will be well informed and can say “I have read about this, will you please expand on it?”. It is so we haven’t completely relinquished the control that has been snatched away from us for whatever reasons.
Even though we know that it may end up dropping our mood to below the floor, we will still take any information we can get. Even though we may end up tears, we will still read.
Even though we are living through someone else’s life, we will join in.
Because we are trying to conceive.