My friendships are very unconventional. We know that “Get effed” is a sign of amazement, “you’re an ass” is a sign of humour, and “don’t be an eff-tard” means stop beating me at the game.
So, I give you: How to be a true friend.
1 – Don’t knock! My two best friends don’t knock before they enter my house. As long as my door is unlocked, they know to walk in. When I hear a knock at my door, I automatically get adrenaline coursing through my body. Is it the police with bad news? Is it a random stranger who just wants me for mah bodeeeee? (Make sure you use the Mater voice for that last bit!) I don’t know. I just know my friends walk straight in and it makes life easier.
2- My fridge is your fridge! You hungry? Mung in, bro! I don’t care. As long as you’re not attacking my Tim Tams, go for Gold. This is the mark of a true friend: When you walk in, go straight to the fridge, pick what you want and eat it. I honestly, truly, don’t give a flying eff! There is nothing worse than having someone look at my pantry and go “awww, yummy!” and not eat it. If you want it, cook that bad boy up.
3- You want a cuppa? There’s the kettle. I will make you the first cuppa when you walk in my door. Any after that, you’re on your own. It’s not that I am rude. Don’t think I am. It’s just that I’m lazy and I hate making cuppas! That and I am known for getting them wrong. One friend has only one sugar, but always gets two. One has two, but do you think I remember that when I am standing at the bench?
4- If I piss you off, tell me. Don’t be one of these pussies who stews on it. Tell me, so I can tell you you’re full of it, or so I can fix it. Stewing on something does nothing more than piss us both of us, making it worse. If you think I have wronged you in some way, blurt that crazy out. You can bet that I would! Friendship is about honesty, not hiding your feelings.
5- Don’t rock up before 10am unless you have a Kiewa Coffee Milk. It’s a golden rule that even my big sister respects. I am NOT a morning person, I never have been. Mornings would be OK if they came later in the day. Either have a Coffee Milk, or a Bacon and Egg McMuffin. Calories? Yes. But try wake me up without one of those things. Just trust me, it’s not worth it, OK?