Ramblings of a Ringless Wife

Ringless Wife, Messy House, Cluttered Brain. All in a standard day.

July 12: How to be a real and true friend to me.

My friendships are very unconventional. We know that “Get effed” is a sign of amazement, “you’re an ass” is a sign of humour, and “don’t be an eff-tard” means stop beating me at the game.

So, I give you: How to be a true friend.

1 – Don’t knock! My two best friends don’t knock before they enter my house. As long as my door is unlocked, they know to walk in. When I hear a knock at my door, I automatically get adrenaline coursing through my body. Is it the police with bad news? Is it a random stranger who just wants me for mah bodeeeee? (Make sure you use the Mater voice for that last bit!) I don’t know. I just know my friends walk straight in and it makes life easier.

2- My fridge is your fridge! You hungry? Mung in, bro! I don’t care. As long as you’re not attacking my Tim Tams, go for Gold. This is the mark of a true friend: When you walk in, go straight to the fridge, pick what you want and eat it. I honestly, truly, don’t give a flying eff! There is nothing worse than having someone look at my pantry and go “awww, yummy!” and not eat it. If you want it, cook that bad boy up.

3- You want a cuppa? There’s the kettle. I will make you the first cuppa when you walk in my door. Any after that, you’re on your own. It’s not that I am rude. Don’t think I am. It’s just that I’m lazy and I hate making cuppas! That and I am known for getting them wrong. One friend has only one sugar, but always gets two. One has two, but do you think I remember that when I am standing at the bench?

4- If I piss you off, tell me. Don’t be one of these pussies who stews on it. Tell me, so I can tell you you’re full of it, or so I can fix it. Stewing on something does nothing more than piss us both of us, making it worse. If you think I have wronged you in some way, blurt that crazy out. You can bet that I would! Friendship is about honesty, not hiding your feelings.

5- Don’t rock up before 10am unless you have a Kiewa Coffee Milk. It’s a golden rule that even my big sister respects. I am NOT a morning person, I never have been. Mornings would be OK if they came later in the day. Either have a Coffee Milk, or a Bacon and Egg McMuffin. Calories? Yes. But try wake me up without one of those things. Just trust me, it’s not worth it, OK?

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June 11 : Things I Should Have Known

I am bad for being naive when it comes to famous shows and movies. I’m going to compile a list so you can laugh at me – like I have been laughing at myself.

As you can see above, the first one goes to the Daleks. I seriously, thought they were a great thing! I always heard about them in conjunction with Dr. Who. I didn’t know they were baddies! When I mentioned it to an OS friend today I think he was highly surprised. Considering their catch phrase is “exterminate, exterminate, exterminate” I probably should have picked up on this at some stage, right?

Seriously, George Lucas. You suck! Ok, so you’re quadri-billionare who coined “In a galaxy, far, far away.” but still. YOU SUCK! Until earlier this year, I had no knowledge that Yoda actually died. I thought he was this all infinite little green dude that spoke in riddles forever. Yes, F-UH-EVER! When I discovered that he died, I was distraught. I actually cried. How dare he kill that little backwards speaking green marshmallow?

I am a proud Aussie. Everyone knows this. However, I didn’t learn the second verse of our national anthem until I was 19 – and it was two of my little sisters who taught me! We went to the annual ANZAC day dawn service and the anthem was sung (As you expect it to be) yet I had no clue of the second verse. My little sisters, however, sung their hearts out. My family puts this down to the fact that I come from a podunk town, and we only got the second verse after I graduated.

How is that I, who has a fairly dirty mind and picks up on most innuendo, never realised that these toys were named Woody and Buzz? Like, Really? When I did click to this, I nearly died. You know Oprahs “Ah-ha” moment? Yeah, I had one. Go me. The third Story has it’s only little section of innuendo as well. Barbie and Ken in their own little love-shack? If the shack is rockin’, don’t come a knockin’!

Shrek has more innuendo than a low-level porn film. Don’t believe me? Watch it. I never picked up on this as child, and I can see why in this one. Hello? I was  twelve. Any way, it’s full of one liners (Do you think he is compensating for something?) and the iconic scene where Farquaad looks under the blanket at seems pleased at what seems to… ahem… arise. Watch the movie and when you see the bits, don’t feel like a twat. I already did that for you!


July 10: Why I love Cherry Blossoms

I have told you so much about myself – but I don’t think I have ever told you my favorite flower.

When I was younger, about 13 or 14, I remember walking down the main street and coming across a tree which I thought was gorgeous. It had pink flowers, smelled divine and was so pretty. I picked a bunch, and then picked one every day after that on my walk home from school.

They were so dainty and lady like – two things I am not. I loved to smell them on the way home, drinking in their scent.

When I smell them now, I have a reel of memories come through:

  • School
  • Blue Plaid Pants
  • Glad Wrap
  • Smiles
  • Walks With My Sister
  • Walks With My Friends
  • Running Around The Skate Park

Last year, we had two cherry blossom trees put in the front yard. They blossomed and then died off quickly, but for a little while, I would just sit at the front stoop and stare at them. I loved the way their scent went through my whole house, and would leave my front door open so I could smell it wherever I was.

Today, I learnt that their name is Sakura – and I realised I had never stopped to think about their scientific or official name . I always just called them “The Pretty Blossom Trees.”

I can’t wait for my two to blossom again. My pretty Sakura trees 🙂

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July 9 : What It Means To Be Australian.

A bit of a cop out blog post, but I had to share!

2. You know you’re Australian when…

1. You’re familiar with Neighbours, Home and Away, Playschool, A Country Practice, Norman Gunston, Barry Humphries, Blue Heelers, Ray Martin, Bert Newton, Lisa McCune, Jon Burgess, Number 96, Molly Meldrum, Kerry O’Brien, and of course, Kerry Packer and Rupert Murdoch.

2. You know that Burger King doesn’t exist. It’s Hungry Jacks.

3. You know that snow is a memorable and freakish occurrence. Sometimes it’s even fake.

4. You know the difference between thongs and a G-banger.

5. You know that “stubbies” are either short shorts or small beer bottles, a “gimp”, “bogan” or “geezer” is a random idiot, someone in trouble is in “strife” and you’re liable to burst out laughing whenever you hear of Americans “rooting” for something.

4. You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in -o: arvo, combo, garbo, kero, lezzo, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo, smoko, speedo, righto etc.

5. You know that some people pronounce “Australia” like “Strayla” and that’s ok.

6. You know that there is a universal place called “woop woop” located in the middle of nowhere… no matter where you actually are.

7. You know that while we call our friends ‘mates’, we don’t use terms like ‘sheilas’ and ‘shrimp on the barbie’, contrary to popular belief.

8. You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer because it tastes like shit. But we let the world think we do. Because we can.

9. You know that if a man has sex with another man, he’s a homosexual, and (until recently), a criminal in Tasmania.

10. You resent people who succeed over others- everyone should do the same thing, so we all get a “fair go”; a kind of ‘American-dream’ in reverse.

11. You’ve seen Gallipoli, Crocodile Dundee, Young Einstein, Muriel’s Wedding, The Castle, Priscilla, Beneath Clouds, Strictly Ballroom, 40,000 Horsemen, and maybe even Wolf Creek.

12. It makes you happy when someone in Hollywood is actually Australian… Mel Gibson, Nicole Kidman, Russel Crowe, Cate Blanchett, Baz Lurham, Elle MacPherson, Olivia Newton-John, Midnight Oil, AC/DC, INXS, Greg Norman, Cathy Freeman, Dawn Fraser, Pat Rafter, Ian Thorpe…

13. One word: Skippy.

14. You know that Sydney 2000 was one of our proudest moments in history. We just  rock.

15. You know that you are not going to die of cholera or other Third World diseases.

16. You know our country has never been conquered by a foreign nation (you don’t count 1788).

17. We know that the Metric system will always be better than anything inches, feet, pounds and Fahrenheit will ever offer

18. You drive on the ‘left-hand side’ of the road.

19. If you’re a pedestrian and cars are stopped at a red light, you will fearlessly cross the street in front of them. ‘Hit and runs’ just aren’t cricket because Aussies stick together.

20. You think of Australia as being somewhat out of place within the Asia-Pacific region; surrounded by unstable ex-colonial nations who regard you as racist, imperialist, and unfairly wealthy.

21. You know that New Zealanders are basically our naive country cousins, who have a weird fush-and-chups accent, and for some bizarre reason, think that they invented pavlova. They are to be pitied and laughed at. They have no hope of gaining the upper hand in the endless sporting rivalry between our two nations.

22. You know that you can’t eat Fantales alone… Otherwise who will you play the ‘Who am I…’ game with when you’re reading the wrapper?

23. You know that Sydney should be the capital because Canberra is a hole. *This goes to prove 23. was written by a Sydneysider, although all Aussies except Canberrians think Canberra is a hole!

24. You know that Americans think we’re all Steve Irwin clones, and crickey, they couldn’t be more wrong.

25. You know that Lawyers wear wigs and gowns. And we make it look good.

26. You have some time in your life slept with Aeroguard on in the summer. Maybe even as perfume.

27. You feel obliged to spread salty black stuff that looks like congealed motor oil on bread… and actually grow to like it. You’ve also squeeze Vegemite through Vita Wheats to make little Vegemite worms.

28. You believe that democracy means the freedom to draw caricatures of Julia Gillard which make her look like the wanker she is.

29. You think footballers dressing up in drag on TV is funny (but your son being gay isn’t).

30. You have the ability to compress several words into one – ie ‘g’day’ and ‘d’reckn?’. This allows more space for profanities.

31. You’ve ever used the words – tops, ripper, sick, mad, rad, sweet – to mean good. And then you place ‘bloody’ in front of it when you REALLY mean it.

32. You know that the barbeque is a political arena; the person holding the tongs is always the boss and usually a man, and women make the salad.

33. The private lives of footy and cricket players become more important than local and national news stories.

34. You say ‘no worries’ quite often, whether you realise it or not.

35. You know what fairy bread tastes like, and you can’t imagine your childhood without it.

36. You know the first verse to the national anthem, but still don’t know what “girt” means, and you’re ok with that.

37. You’ve drunk your tea/coffee/Milo through a Tim Tam.

38. You know that backyard cricket is a nice way to bond with family and the rubbish bin. And the ‘one bounce, one hand’ rule always applies.

39. You know that we are home to the just about all of the world’s deadliest of animals. That’s why if anybody messes with us we’ll get some funnel webs on their asses.

40. You see people walking bare-foot on the sidewalk and don’t scorn…. because you’re doing it too.

41. You know what trop-fest is and it makes you happy.

42. Sausage rolls and meat pies. End of story.

43. You firmly believe that in the end, everything will be ok and have offered advice that included the words, “she’ll be right, mate”.

44. You have a story that somehow involves an excessive consumption of goon… but you can’t remember.

45. You own a Bond’s chesty. In several different colours.

46. You’ve ordered a steak the size as your head and only paid $5 at your local RSL.

47. You know that Italy should never have been granted that fateful kick in the 2006 Soccer World Cup.

48. You know how to slip, slop, slap like it’s nobody’s business.

49. You’ve heard the Prime Minister dismiss anyone who disagrees with her simply as ‘un-Australian’, and that’s enough to make us sit down and shut up.

50. You know that the value of a public holiday is measured in terms of alcohol. God bless the Queen and her 4-day birthday.


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July 8: Mid-year slump

I’ve been lying to myself for the last few days. I’ve been saying that I am too busy, or too tired, or too whatever-is-handy at the time. But in reality? I have hit the mid-year slump. Can’t deny it any more.

I’m running out of topics, even though I have a stock pile.
I’m running out of oomph, even after I took time off.

What can I do to regain some of the love I had for this? It’s got me worried.

As you know, I have made the steps to do my nursing next year; will I get bored and have to force myself midway? Or do you think, that because it will be a constant learning, I will be fine? I think I will be – I know there will be constant work and learning and new things to read, so maybe that will stop the boredom.

To be fair to my self, I get like this every year. It’s half way, so I am hankering for Christmas and the next years adventures. It’s not just the blog, it’s life in general. This is my “itchy feet” time – I start looking for new things to occupy my easily distracted brain space; I crave adventure and new and exciting things. This is usually the time when I pick up a new hobby or do something completely impulsive and crazy like dye my hair pink or get a new tattoo or piercing.

Do you ever reach a “slump”? How did you kick your butt out of it?

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July 7: Being a birth page junkie.

Ask any woman who is TTC – you absorb any and all birth websites, blogs, tips, info, and humour like a sponge.

I don’t know if it is living vicariously or self-torture, but it is definitely something that women who are TTC do. We sit on pages, read blog after blog, lurk unashamedly, ask questions and salivate for the response. We research  natural, water, caesar or lotus births. We sit there, riveted, to what others are going through.

We read scary, funny, sad, loving, and amazing stories of births, and take it all in as if it is the Holy Grail.
We develop opinions based on what we have read, knowing full well that they probably will change once we have conceived.
We learn new things, and keep them locked away in our head in a folder entitled “One Day I Will Need This.”
We can watch the goriest of birth videos, but still look for some more on the same line.

I am a big blog reader. I spend an awful amount of time on pages such as Birth Without Fear and Pregnant Chicken. While some of the blogs scare the living bejeebus out of me, I will continue reading, desperate to ingest the information and education because someday, I know, I will be grateful for it. I read stories of Placenta Encapsulation and feel my tummy turn, and then research it. (FYI, still not for me, but who knows what will happen?) I can tell you the different degrees of tearing and how they stitch them up.

I am, literally, like a freaking sponge. I can identify with the women who have struggled, and the stories about women with PCOS who have kids reduce me to tears. They throw that little bit of hope at me that i will cling to, grasp, hold tight and damn near strangle. I protect it like I protect my bacon – don’t you even try to take it from me, because I will Kill you.

If  TTC’ers have iPhones or Androids, they will download every app available for hints, ovulation trackers, period trackers, and god knows what else. I cleared my phone the other day, and had over 25 apps just focused on the above.

Why do we do it to ourselves? Why do we download apps, read and buy books, and lurk the internet? Because we simply have to. We have to live vicariously like that because it’s the only way we can. It makes us feel like we have a modicum of control over something that we can’t change. It makes us feel like we can win, because we have everything to do with it at our beck and call. We read the blogs so that we will be well informed and can say “I have read about this, will you please expand on it?”. It is so we haven’t completely relinquished the control that has been snatched away from us for whatever reasons.

Even though we know that it may end up dropping our mood to below the floor, we will still take any information we can get. Even though we may end up tears, we will still read.
Even though we are living through someone else’s life, we will join in.


Because we are trying to conceive.

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July 6: A week off blogging

Hi again, and yes, I am back!
I took a week off from everything last week – I have been ill and unable to shake it, Ringless Hubby has had some hard decisions to make, I have had some equally hard. I thought a week off would help me… and in all honesty, it’s been great.

I have spent the last week being blissfully lazy. I can’t do much without coughing to the point of vomiting and my head is contsantly pounding. I have spent the last week reading, locked in my own little kingdom, but surfacing every now and then for welcome catch ups with my KuppyKake and Bec. I am so lucky that I have two gorgeous ladies who understand that sometimes I need them, and sometimes I need to be left alone!

Spending the time at home alone has been good, despite others saying that I must be bored and have too much time on my hands. Well, yes, I do have too much time on my hands and I am trying my hardest to remedy that. I am left with a lot of guilt that gets laid on behind smiles by others about the amount of time that Ringless Hubby spends working while I sit at home. Just to clear this up, y’all have no idea how bad I feel. It’s something that has been discussed between us, so if people could please hold back on the veiled barbs, I would be most appreciative.

I have had a week to sift through the jumbled thoughts in my head, to re-evaluate where we’re going and how we’re going to get here, and to just relax, knowing that the shit storm we are surviving now will pass eventually and will make us appreciate the sunshine that has to be coming through at some stage.

Having taken the seven days and used them to my advantage, I have spent time with family, my sister and I have had a road trip or two, Ringless Hubby, my cousin and I went and enjoyed a game of footy about an hour away. It’s been bliss to just take a breath, take stock of we are at and how to push on forward.

I’ve been cooking again (although, not very well, but hey! It’s progress), and have enjoyed making meals  that  I am pretty sure Dan will like. I have organised things, decluttered, opshopped a whole lot of stuff that was just sitting around. My kitchen looks like a bomb site – and that’s where I’m headed after this – but it’s refreshing to know that I will clean it shortly, I don’t have to leave it and dash out, only to come home to it again.

I have a list of blog topics written up, so I can catch up without having to think about things a million times over. Surprisingly, though, my readers have gone UP since I last blogged. A true case of less is more? I don’t know. What do you think?

I’m off now to do some tidying before coming back and churning another blog or two out to catch up. You ready for a rambling flood, my dears?

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July 5: Taking a step to achieve my dreams

It’s been scary, these last few months. I have had to make decisions regarding my future, my future family’s future, Dan and I’s future… and I don’t know how many more times I could have used the word “future” in one sentence.

I finally bit the bullet last night, and got together all the details, requirements, forms and what not that I needed to begin my nursing next year. Yes, I said it: I’m going to follow through on what I want and start my nursing. I already am a qualified PCA  which means I can work in nursing homes, but as I have said before, that isn’t what I want to do. Let’s head to the completely other end of the spectrum!

As I was going through all the requirements, testing, fees, I was getting scared. I started stressing: Am I good enough? Can I do it? Why am I even bothering? There’s no way I would be able to do this!

And then, I looked to the little me in my head that was saying all this, gave her a firm and stiff middle finger and thought “Eff you! I CAN do this!” – At that moment, something clicked. I don’t know what, and I don’t know how, but I DO know that I will do this. I will finish. I will take the steps I need to in order to achieve what I want.

I have decided I am going to take this one step at a time. I will finish out this year and do all I can preceding the start of the course. And from there? I’ll just take it one step at a time.

I’m excited for what I may reach – and for the decisions I am yet to make.


There are so many little things, so many variables, so many different outcomes from a single decision. ONE single decision can have so many far reaching effects, and I Think that is what scaring me the most. I am 25 years old – yet the amount of hard decisions I have made – far reaching impact ones, any way – isn’t that a great of a number. I am the master of the deferring of decisions. It frustrates Dan to no end, as I make very few decisions. Even something as small as what we are having for dinner will be deferred to his decision. I don’t know why I am like this, as I am usually a pretty headstrong person. But it appears concrete decisions are just a wee bit too hard for me.

I think that’s why I’m getting the heebie jeebies – these are decisions that only I can make, that only I can decide. There is no way someone can make the final choice on these. It’s all me, baby.

I think I just pooed my pants…

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July 4: Trying to explain to a Pom…

So, I’m going to confuse you for a moment. I’m a few days behind in blogging, and while this blog is for July 4, It’s actually July 7 today, and my inspiration for this blog came from the July 6 Footy Match. We all cool?  Caught on? Good.

Football is a tentative subject in Ringless Central. I go for Carlton (Love My Boys!!!) and Dan goes for Collingwood (And he has teeth… Yeah, I was suprised too). So last nights football match at the MCG between The Blues and The Pies made for some interesting viewing in the Lounge Room. I put this up on FB:

Seriously, the things coming out of Dans mouth were just as amusing as the aerial ping pong the Colly-Wobbles were playing at. As you expect, there was a bit of banter on the status, general slamming of both teams by the others’ supporters. And then, today, This popped up:

Karl is my cousin who lives in the fair old land of Lon-Don, Eng-A-Land (yes, I did say that like Dr. Evil.)  Ok, he’s not from London specifically, but You can’t say England like that without London preceding it, right? Anyway, Moving right along…

He always makes me laugh with things he says, and he’s met Danny John Jules so he has like a million kajillion cool points in his back pocket. As you do with across-the-pond neighbors, sometimes we have a culture clash and we teach each other something new. Today, I got to teach him one of Australias most important rules: YOU DON’T GO FOR COLLINGWOOD!

How do you explain to someone who is foreign the level of disdain that comes along with the Collingwood brand? They’re the team we love to hate. Australia is pretty much divided into two sections: Those that love Collingwood, and those that don’t. I fall into the “Don’t” section without a doubt.

My Nan and her family, as well as Dan, go for the Toothless Wonders, which makes for some interesting debates around footy season. Ok, yeah, I go for Carlton and we may suck more than we don’t, but at least we’re not Collingwood. No matter how many wooden spoons we have, we don’t have black and white stripes and we have our teeth. Go us!

I feel like today has been a major accomplishment. I may have done sweet F.A except fantasize about Christian Grey – but I also educated a family member on the folly of supporting the Collingwood. That makes up for anything.

I mean, we all have to educate someone, don’t we? I think I did it pretty well!


June 3: Such a weird thing to be proud of…

As I have spoken about before, Ringless Hubby and I have been TTC for many years. We’ve been to doctors, specialists, testers – you name it, we’ve been there. We’ve both pretty much exhausted ourselves and I, for one, had all but given up. There were plenty of other avenues we could still take, including IUF and IVF – but realistically, we just couldn’t financially do it.

I was talking to my friend Kristy, who has been one of the ones who has copped everything about my feelings, and she told me about something she had heard of called “Vitex” or “Angus Castus” which you could by Over-The-Counter. Well, I scoured my area for it. Everywhere I could think of, everywhere my friends could think of, until I finally lost it and asked on FB. Wouldn’t you know it, the one place I didn’t think to check (and I don’t know why when it should have been my first) had it.

After paying all my bills and whatnot today, I had enough money for a packet of smokes (yes, I am a smoker, yes, I know this can affect, yes, I would quit if I fell pregnant) or the bottle of the vitamins. The bit that I am proud of? That I didn’t think about the smokes, because the pills were more important.

I know this may seem like something inconsequential to the majority of the people out there – but to me, this is a major step up for me. I get lectured all the time about smoking and how I should quit, but I know that there is no point trying to quite for others, it has to be for me.

Like I said, I know it’s only something small, but to me it’s a major shift. It shows to myself, more than anyone, how committed I am. I have chosen a potential over a certain.

But now comes the normal, agonising wait. In one little bottle, I have so much hope. Wish me Luck.