Ramblings of a Ringless Wife

Ringless Wife, Messy House, Cluttered Brain. All in a standard day.

June 20: Anger

I allowed myself four days off blogging, safe in the knowledge that I would be able to catch up. Why did I give myself these days off? Because for the last few days, I have been angry. Not just “Oh, you pissed me off” angry – but Hulk, “I want to high five you in the face with a chair” angry. Why? Because these are the days that coincide with my “I’m a depressed head f**k” days.

Every now and then, I get days of pure rage. Everything makes me want to scream, nothing seems to go right, A cup not put in the sink can make me see red. I know that when it does happen I need to isolate myself a little bit, take a step back and just breathe.

I am shocking in that when I am angry I take it out on people who don’t deserve it. I don’t mean to do it, I just become much more caustic and volatile, my sarcasm reaches new heights and I imagine peoples heads stuck on totem poles as warning signs to not come near me.

I get cranky over things that aren’t worth it, I over-react to them in ways that just need not happen, and I end up hurting people with my words that I just can’t hold in. Even if the person has been perfectly fine, courteous, whatever, I still have an irrepressible need to just tell them to shut the f**k up because they’re letting their inner moron shine through.

I become something rather nasty, a mere shadow of myself, and basically, not nice to be around. The bit that’s ironic is this is when thoughts that I normally ignore came raring through, I feel alone and isolated, and need people. I need someone who tells me to get the eff over it, and people to tell me that it’s all going to be ok, and to show me that I am not a bad person. I get cranky because people aren’t there for me, but I know that in these days I push them away. Doesn’t make sense, does it? Hey, I want you to come visit me, but I’m going to abuse you, so don’t come… but if you don’t come, you’re going to cop it anyway. Leave me alone because I’m lonely. Have a nice day!

I know that this is an aspect of depression that most people who have suffered it have lived through. I don’t know why it happens when it does, but I know that when it does I want people to see that it’s when I hurt the most that I swear I’m OK. I want people to say “I know you’re not OK, but you will be. One day.”

I want to have the guts to say to people, “You know what? I’m not OK. I don’t want to be alone. I’m scared.” But I don’t. I doubt I ever will.

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january 11: It’s nothing personal. I just Can’t stand you!

We all know that one person who we cant stand; and everything about them does nothing but piss you off.

From their tinny laugh to their unrelated comments, nothing they do makes you smile, or genuinely laugh. And you know that the moment that they walk in the room, you wont be happy till they leave it!

Can you guess what I had tonight?

It’s nights like tonight that make me wish I was back in the sandpit, where you could throw sand in someones eyes and the reason is as simple as “I dont like her!”

But, I am an adult, and I wont do it. I will sit calmly, and quietly, imagining different blood trickling scenes, until they get up and leave – or I do.

I always remain courteous to the person – but I have not quite mastered the art of pretending to like someone. I honestly don’t think I ever will, nor do I really want to. I don’t see the point in leading someone to believe something that isn’t true – especially when my thoughts behind the words tend to lean more toward I-want-to-stab-you-with-a-screw-driver. In-The-Head. A-Lot.

I know that there are plenty of people who can’t stand me, and I am quite OK with that. No One likes every one, right? I find myself being so polite that I am almost patronizing to the person, because I know that annoys them more than anything will. And when people are overly-polite to me, I know exactly what is going through their head because chances are, it is what is going through mine.

Unless I really really  dislike someone, I can keep the venom out of my voice, and keep up with the light hearted banter that usually surrounds the proverbial table. But, it is when I dislike someone so intensely that I honestly see red at the thought of them near me, that my inner bitch-zilla comes out and just cannot be contained.

I’ve tried several times to contain my inner bitchdom, but more often than not, it doesn’t work. It could be being overly sarcastic and caustic, or it could be silence (which is apparently an obvious note that I am pissed!), or it could be just glaring at the person till I feel like I can see right through them. I have been told that my words hurt, but my glare kills. I guess I got that off my Momma!

It annoys me when you have made it quite plain that you do not like a person, and they just do not get the hint. Hello? Colonel Mustard, In The Library, With The Wrench! It is painfully obvious that I do not like you, by the one word answers, the polite but indifferent glances when you speak, and the way that sometimes I just can’t stop myself from an ejaculation along the lines off, “Are you Serious? Like, Really?”

I am told that my reluctance to “smooth over” awkward social scenes is a serious downfall of mine, along with making people feel incredibly uncomfortable around me, particularly if I don’t like them.
This statement leads me to the question: “Well, Why is it that I don’t like the person? Perhaps consider that it into your equation!”

I have never not liked someone for “no reason.” There is always a reason behind my dislike. It could  be that they lied to me, and got caught out. Or it could be that they disrespected my family or friends. Or it could be because they cheat at something, like Poker.  Or it could be a million other reasons – but, there is always a reason!

One of my personal little sayings is: If you think I don’t like you, you’re probably right.

I make no secret of my thoughts on pretending to like someone. In fact, it is one of the things that makes me “me”, and I’m proud of it.

Ok, Rant over. Tomorrow nights blog is going to be happy little epistle, and I look forward to seeing you then 🙂

What are your thoughts on tonights blog? Do you have any comments, theories or examples? Don’t for get to fire them off at me!

With Love and Hugs,
K x

 

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