Ramblings of a Ringless Wife

Ringless Wife, Messy House, Cluttered Brain. All in a standard day.

June 2: Another ten bonuses of being fat (and a new competition!)

I was  reading through old blogs, and re-found My Ten Instances Where Being A Fat Chick Rocks and decided to expand on it a little more.

After yesterdays giggle, I thought it would  be fitting. So, put your mittens on your kittens and awayyyyyyyy we go!

#1 – People expect us to eat the yummy stuff! It is expected of us to head straight to the TimTams, the chocolate Cupcakes, and the candy bar. We get offered the last morsel of whatever is yummiest and, if we are smart, we know how to capitalise on this fact. Fat Chicks, Unite!

#2 – Whilst I want to advocate for safe drinking, I have to say – We can sink a whole lot more piss. I don’t know why, and there may or may not be a scientific reasoning behind it, but I find – after no in-depth study – that it seems to be the larger ones who can handle their alcohol better. Coincidence? I think not.

#3 – See my lumps, my bumps, and my lovely lady wobbles? I like to think of them as personal air bags. Less likely to break a well padded bone, I am. Hand me those rollerblades – there’s a hill I want to tackle!

#4 – This is one my Momma taught me – Fatter face = taughter skin = No Wrinkles!!! This one does excite me to a certain degree.
Sales Lady: Hi there. Do you want to try some anti wrinkle cream from Oil of Olay??
Me: No thanks. I’m going to try the anti wrinkle scheme from Oil of KFC.

#5 – Any weightloss is a MAJOR “wahoooooooo” moment. It doesn’t matter if you lose 200gms or 200kgs, it’s a major thing. The best bit? A loss of 6kg is noticeable fairly early on, and people are all like “Heyyyy, you look fabuloussssssss!” If you’re a skinny minny and lose  6kg people are all like “Ooooooh, you look sick!” Score one for the fatty-bo-batties!

#6 – We get a box of popcorn to ourselves at the cinema. Movie Popcorn is the hardest  thing to share after TimTams and birthday cake. You know it, I know it, and this is another fact that I abuse. If your lips aren’t tingling then you know you have shared too much popcorn, and you need to change this fact.

#7 – Biggies tend to give the best squisher cuddles. I think it’s because were soft, snuggly, and have more poundage to put into the hug. These tuckshop lady arms aren’t just useful wings to wave to our hips with: they help keep children and animals warm on cold nights, not to mention the Ringless Husband.

#8 – It is an awesome “fake person” detector. It acts as a buffer between me and people who are more concerned with appearance than personality. It helps filter out the assholes and rude people, while letting me know which people are just lovely and worth me knowing!

#9 – I never have to ask “Do I look fat in this?” I already know I look fat in anything, so I don’t have to stress on the fact, Problem solvered, give me a bolero, a pair of dark tights and then I’m right to go. I’ll rock the look and shake my booty while I’m at it.

#10 (and here is where the competition comes into it!) – we can rock the costume jewelry like a bawssss, because we have the confidence that comes with it. Big jangly bracelets and gorgeous necklaces don’t look like they’re hanging on a display stand, but that they’re chilling on the chest of a gorgeous woman as if they have grown there.

SO – HOW DO YOU WIN THE COMPETITION?

I have two pieces of costume jewellry to give away – two gorgeous necklaces that are up for a lucky winner. All you have to do is comment on this post what your favorite positive about being Fabulous, Fat, and Fantastic.
It can be mundane, out there, whacky – anything that YOU feel is a plus for being PLUS sized! If yours is chosen by our judge you will WIN!

Competition is open to Aussie readers and is running until the 11th of July, 2012. Winners will be notified by email, so make sure you use your real email address.

Get your entries in – these necklaces are just waiting for you!!!

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July 1: Dear Lady who called me “fat” today.

Hi there!

You don’t know me, but thanks for your kind and inspiring comment today.

You see, if you hadn’t have called me “fat” today, I would have wandered about all day ignorant of that fact. You did me a public service, really.

Now, I don’t have to look at the size of my clothes to know that I am, in your words, “fat” – Thanks for saving me time!

I’ve always wondered why I have to go to the Plus Size section when I thought I was super-skinny. Now I know. You’re a freaking genius! A real, bonafide Einstein Genius.

I was a little bit nonplussed though, and I am sure you must understand why. While you were mocking me about the size of my clothes, did you happen to look at yours? I mean, I know they’re probably a size 14 or so, and I guess that gives you the right to call me fat, but really? Lady, you were wearing snap-pants. With a hole in the knee.

Your hoodie with the USA emblem on it was probably classy at one stage too. I know, I know, yours is probably white underneath the layer of grime making it grey, but being your size you probably don’t care. Am I right?

Uggies out of the house is perfectly acceptable in Australia in Winter, I do it myself. But perhaps you should have checked that yours weren’t talking to you before you started in on my appearance.

I would keep going on at you, but I don’t want to be uncharitable about you or your friend that was beside you, joining in on your derision. The fact that she was the same size as me and joined in made me giggle. Ignorance is bliss, right. I should probably know that, considering you only enlightened me today to the fact that I am fat. I’m still confused as to how I haven’t picked up on this fact in the last ten years. I must be fat and stupid. Killer combo!

Didn’t you hear? The reason that I’m not going to Jenny Craig is because I ate the bitch. Yeah Cuz, I nommed her down with gravy, salt and pepper, and one kick ass pitch fork.

So, now that we have the niceties out of the way, there’s a few things I feel I must enlighten you to, Captain Obvious. The first one is that I may be fat, but I can lose weight. You’re always going to be an ugly bitch – you can’t work that away.

The second thing is that I was quite aware that I am fat. You think this much awesomeness could fit it in an itty bitty body like yours? No, it couldn’t. Hence your snap-pants, I’m guessing. Lady, the 1990’s are calling, they want their snap-pants back.

Finally, I hope you and your friend enjoyed your laugh and nastiness at my expense. Thanks for a killer blog idea, I appreciate it. And at least while you were picking on me you were leaving some other poor girl alone.

Lots of Love,
Fat, Fabulous and Fantastic.

P.S – I don’t think your curtains match your carpet.

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April 21: Ten instances where being a fat chick rocks.

Ok, so we all aware of the stigma surrounding being a plus size woman in a negative sized society. Tonight, I was feeling particularly bad about having more junk in my trunk, so I thought up 10 instances where it rocks.

1- AT CONCERTS (or any other place where people are in your way):

Being of bigger frame, I find my hip-and-shoulder  technique tends to be quite effective. This means I can get to where I need to go with out fear of being trampled on, and simultaneously barrage my way through. It also means that people GTFO of my way when they see me running through. It’s kind of like being a Trojan horse… without being made of wood and filled with 100 men all wanting to kill someone.

2- WHEN YOU’RE SICK:

I always wonder what would happen to my smaller sized family members if they were to get really sick. They would waste away to practically nothing, and have nothing left to fight whatever germ was munching on their immune system. I know that if I was to get sick, I would at least have a lot of body that could waste away before it became panic stations for every one. (Note to all those who care about me – if this happens to me, don’t stress. I’ll probably love the result.)

3- YOU CAN PULL OFF A LOT OF LOOKS THAT SKINNY LOVELIES JUST CANT:

The other day I was seated in front two girls who had about 50kg differentiating them but had the same look going on. I’m talking vanity curls, striking makeup, and rock-a-billy clothes. The smaller girl looked nice, I won’t deny that. But the bigger chick definitely had the “oomph” factor that made you stare in wonder at her. It was like the look had been made for the bigger girl, where as the petite one was just playing dress ups.

4- PEOPLE LOVE YOU, NOT YOUR LOOK:

Now, this isn’t to say that you skinny minnies don’t have “true” friends, it’s just to say that bigger people have to rely on their personalities to attract positive attention.
Bigger girls do tend to get “ignored” in social settings, such as clubs, pubs, parties etc. So we have to have a personality that draws people to us and makes them look beyond the number on the tag of our clothes. If we attract a guy’s notice, it’s not because you can see Tasmania at the bottom of our skirt, it’s because of our personality.
Again, I reiterate, this is not to say anything bad about our petite friends, this is just an observation I have made.

5- WE LEARN THE BEST COMEBACKS TO “FAT” JOKES:

Every big girl has had fat comments thrown at them out of malice. It’s always laughable when these comments come out of the mouth of someone who is also a big bottomed personage.
Early on, my Mum taught me a come-back that I still use today: I can lose my weight, but you’re always going to be an (insert whatever adjective you want here, eg. ignorant, ugly) (insert whatever name suits you here – I tend to go with the “F” word more than anything.)”
You learn how to turn their ignorant comment back on the person saying it, which tends to leave them open mouthed and looking like a Trout more than anything.

6- WE GET F****D WITH A LOT LESS:

During my five-year stop over at Domino’s, I spent a lot of time in dodgy neighborhoods where most women would have been afraid. I quickly learnt that being a big chick came with the advantage that people just wouldn’t mess with you. I don’t know if it’s because I’m told I can be intimidating or because they were worried I might sit on them, but hey! I will take this point and run with it.

7- WE LEARN, VERY EARLY ON, THAT BEAUTY IS NOT WHAT SOCIETY DEEMS, BUT WHAT WE ARE IN OURSELVES:

I remember being in high school and being teased about my weight incessantly. Because of this, I learnt that you should never ever judge a book by it’s cover. Ok, so someone might be what is deemed “fat” but they may have had a wicked sense of humor, been a great friend or been just like me, craving acceptance that their belly wouldn’t let them have. I don’t tease or belittle anyone for their size because I know that being big is not always a choice.

8- WE STAY WARMER IN WINTER:

This kind of ties in to my point about being sick – there is more of our body to help insulate us and keep us warm, as opposed to people who are skinny (be it naturally or otherwise) who have very little between their skin and their bones. Let’s not forget, it’s because of their blubber that we have gorgeous seals, polar bears and dolphins!!!

9- WE HAVE SOME AWESOME ROLE MODELS:

Curvy stars, such as the likes of the gorgeous Marilyn Monroe and Queen Latifah, provide us with role models who show us that being big is not a bad thing – it is part of who we are and we are a force to be reckoned with! These two stars in particular, as well as many like them, have/had shunned societies view of being fat as being unacceptable, and helped buck the trend that thin is in. When I am having day that makes me feel like I’m worthless because of my size, I put on a movie that showcases these beautiful ladies, because they prove to me that I am not worthless just because I have jiggly bits.

10- WE GET THE BEST SONGS WRITTEN FOR US:

Fat Bottomed Girls, By Queen
Big Girl, By Mika
Baby Got Back, By Sir Mix-A-Lot

These are my three favorite songs that promote curves and their lusciousness. Perfect for if you’re feeling less-than-adequate about your curves, your lumps, your bumps, and the size of your butt! I have these songs on my iPod and I use them as my “pump up” songs for when I’m going somewhere that I know I am going to self conscious at.

Disclaimer: this is not to belittle, upset, abuse, defame, humiliate or any other such negative feeling any women or men who are of smaller frame. This is just instances that I noticed rock for being a woman with junk in my trunk… and belly… and thighs!

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January 6: Do you have any skinny jeans in size Fat?

(NB: I’m combining an old blog of mine with todays new one for this edition)

Ugh. That dreaded problem of wanting look fashionable but the sizes only go up to “+ size 16”

Plus Size? 16? Ex-squeeze me?

Being of a larger size, I find it hard to find clothes that are in fashion right now but don’t make me look like the Michelin Man. I am 24… not 54! I don’t want to wear pleated slacks and printed blouses that are not out of place in my grandparents wardrobe!

I tend to live in Maxi Dresses, 3/4 leggings and a long top, or tighter top with a huge skirt. Its comfy, it’s easy, and to shop for those items is as simple as walking into a shop, going to my size and taking the ones I like. But, that doesn’t help with the sense of being Heffalump in a world of Skinny Minnies.

Body Image. Who hasn’t had an issue with their body image, be it real or percieved?

–noun: an intellectual or idealized image of what one’s body is or should be like that is sometimes misconceived in such mental disorders as anorexia nervosa.

I only recently began asking myself  “Do they [The Skinny Minnies] eat? Are they happier? What do they sacrifice to look that good? When was the last time they chowed down on a Maccas burger?”

How many of you reading this have starved yourself? How many of you have vomited after meals? How many of you have worked out to the point of collapse in order to get a body like Cindy Crawford?

Im Raising my hand to all of these questions. Every one of them.
But one thing that really gets on my nerves, and makes me so incredibly incensed is Magazines.
Magazines are meant to be “pro-body”. Or, at least they claim to be. Claim being the operative word. Yet, I devour them.
What about the rest of the girls out there, the ones who are beautiful but made to feel inferior because they have a pot belly? What about girls like me, the “big girl with the pretty face”, the girl who can’t be in your wedding because I wouldn’t look right in the dress?

We live in a society where your worth is measured by your waist. How do you know that me and my other plus size female species don’t have as good an idea as that size 8 that’s sitting in your sales team? You dont.
I am actively jumping back on the band wagon to change my appearance – but that is for next weeks blog. I am doing it because I’m sick of the health issues plaguing me, because I’m sick of being looked at askance, and because when I do have a child, I want people to not have to ask “Is she Pregnant or is she Fat?”
If you want to change yourself for whatever reason, then do it. But don’t do it to fit in to society – do it for yourself. You are beautiful, even if you are over weight. You are gorgeous, even if you have a pot belly. You are magnificent, even if you’re the big girl of your group.
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.
Of all the millions of women on this world… only 8 are super models.

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