Ramblings of a Ringless Wife

Ringless Wife, Messy House, Cluttered Brain. All in a standard day.

June 20: Anger

I allowed myself four days off blogging, safe in the knowledge that I would be able to catch up. Why did I give myself these days off? Because for the last few days, I have been angry. Not just “Oh, you pissed me off” angry – but Hulk, “I want to high five you in the face with a chair” angry. Why? Because these are the days that coincide with my “I’m a depressed head f**k” days.

Every now and then, I get days of pure rage. Everything makes me want to scream, nothing seems to go right, A cup not put in the sink can make me see red. I know that when it does happen I need to isolate myself a little bit, take a step back and just breathe.

I am shocking in that when I am angry I take it out on people who don’t deserve it. I don’t mean to do it, I just become much more caustic and volatile, my sarcasm reaches new heights and I imagine peoples heads stuck on totem poles as warning signs to not come near me.

I get cranky over things that aren’t worth it, I over-react to them in ways that just need not happen, and I end up hurting people with my words that I just can’t hold in. Even if the person has been perfectly fine, courteous, whatever, I still have an irrepressible need to just tell them to shut the f**k up because they’re letting their inner moron shine through.

I become something rather nasty, a mere shadow of myself, and basically, not nice to be around. The bit that’s ironic is this is when thoughts that I normally ignore came raring through, I feel alone and isolated, and need people. I need someone who tells me to get the eff over it, and people to tell me that it’s all going to be ok, and to show me that I am not a bad person. I get cranky because people aren’t there for me, but I know that in these days I push them away. Doesn’t make sense, does it? Hey, I want you to come visit me, but I’m going to abuse you, so don’t come… but if you don’t come, you’re going to cop it anyway. Leave me alone because I’m lonely. Have a nice day!

I know that this is an aspect of depression that most people who have suffered it have lived through. I don’t know why it happens when it does, but I know that when it does I want people to see that it’s when I hurt the most that I swear I’m OK. I want people to say “I know you’re not OK, but you will be. One day.”

I want to have the guts to say to people, “You know what? I’m not OK. I don’t want to be alone. I’m scared.” But I don’t. I doubt I ever will.

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May 13: Please… just leave me alone. And then come back for coffee.

Do you ever have days where you just want to be left alone?
Not alone as in having someone in another room, but alone in perfect solitude, with no one to look at, or speak to, or associate with?

I’m seriously hoping someone else has these feelings because I’m feeling as though I am a freak by them.

In the last few weeks I have had to smother this feeling and it’s still suffocating me. But the strange thing is, I am loving the visitors who have been dropping in. I’m loving finding new friends and rediscovering old ones. I’ve been loving the company and the never ending coffees, so I don’t understand how my feelings are working at all.

How can I crave solitude but at the same time love the company I am¬†receiving? ¬†I feel like it’s not making sense to me at all, and it’s probably not to you, either.

I wake up in the mornings when I know Dan is at work and I will have X amount of time to myself and feel relieved. But within about an hour, I’m feeling alone, and wanting company. Then company comes, and I’m over the moon. And then they go, and I feel great! And then I want visitors again.

I feel like a freaking YoYo that I can’t control at all. I hate it.

Tell me someone else out there in the world feels like this sometimes.

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