Ramblings of a Ringless Wife

Ringless Wife, Messy House, Cluttered Brain. All in a standard day.

June 2: Another ten bonuses of being fat (and a new competition!)

I was  reading through old blogs, and re-found My Ten Instances Where Being A Fat Chick Rocks and decided to expand on it a little more.

After yesterdays giggle, I thought it would  be fitting. So, put your mittens on your kittens and awayyyyyyyy we go!

#1 – People expect us to eat the yummy stuff! It is expected of us to head straight to the TimTams, the chocolate Cupcakes, and the candy bar. We get offered the last morsel of whatever is yummiest and, if we are smart, we know how to capitalise on this fact. Fat Chicks, Unite!

#2 – Whilst I want to advocate for safe drinking, I have to say – We can sink a whole lot more piss. I don’t know why, and there may or may not be a scientific reasoning behind it, but I find – after no in-depth study – that it seems to be the larger ones who can handle their alcohol better. Coincidence? I think not.

#3 – See my lumps, my bumps, and my lovely lady wobbles? I like to think of them as personal air bags. Less likely to break a well padded bone, I am. Hand me those rollerblades – there’s a hill I want to tackle!

#4 – This is one my Momma taught me – Fatter face = taughter skin = No Wrinkles!!! This one does excite me to a certain degree.
Sales Lady: Hi there. Do you want to try some anti wrinkle cream from Oil of Olay??
Me: No thanks. I’m going to try the anti wrinkle scheme from Oil of KFC.

#5 – Any weightloss is a MAJOR “wahoooooooo” moment. It doesn’t matter if you lose 200gms or 200kgs, it’s a major thing. The best bit? A loss of 6kg is noticeable fairly early on, and people are all like “Heyyyy, you look fabuloussssssss!” If you’re a skinny minny and lose  6kg people are all like “Ooooooh, you look sick!” Score one for the fatty-bo-batties!

#6 – We get a box of popcorn to ourselves at the cinema. Movie Popcorn is the hardest  thing to share after TimTams and birthday cake. You know it, I know it, and this is another fact that I abuse. If your lips aren’t tingling then you know you have shared too much popcorn, and you need to change this fact.

#7 – Biggies tend to give the best squisher cuddles. I think it’s because were soft, snuggly, and have more poundage to put into the hug. These tuckshop lady arms aren’t just useful wings to wave to our hips with: they help keep children and animals warm on cold nights, not to mention the Ringless Husband.

#8 – It is an awesome “fake person” detector. It acts as a buffer between me and people who are more concerned with appearance than personality. It helps filter out the assholes and rude people, while letting me know which people are just lovely and worth me knowing!

#9 – I never have to ask “Do I look fat in this?” I already know I look fat in anything, so I don’t have to stress on the fact, Problem solvered, give me a bolero, a pair of dark tights and then I’m right to go. I’ll rock the look and shake my booty while I’m at it.

#10 (and here is where the competition comes into it!) – we can rock the costume jewelry like a bawssss, because we have the confidence that comes with it. Big jangly bracelets and gorgeous necklaces don’t look like they’re hanging on a display stand, but that they’re chilling on the chest of a gorgeous woman as if they have grown there.

SO – HOW DO YOU WIN THE COMPETITION?

I have two pieces of costume jewellry to give away – two gorgeous necklaces that are up for a lucky winner. All you have to do is comment on this post what your favorite positive about being Fabulous, Fat, and Fantastic.
It can be mundane, out there, whacky – anything that YOU feel is a plus for being PLUS sized! If yours is chosen by our judge you will WIN!

Competition is open to Aussie readers and is running until the 11th of July, 2012. Winners will be notified by email, so make sure you use your real email address.

Get your entries in – these necklaces are just waiting for you!!!

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May 19: My Worst 10 car singalong songs.

To tie in with my post on my top ten car songs, I thought it would be fitting to regale you with my least favorite car songs. These are songs that I turn off the radio if they come on because someone killed them, or that I roll my eyes to, or that are just plain old sucky!

#10 – Black Eyed Peas: Time of My Life

I do not care who you are, or where you come from, but no one should ever have played around with a timeless freaking classic! It totally upped the B.E.P’s douche record to an all time high.

#9 – Jason Derulo: I Fight For You

Seriously, WTF? Can no one leave the classic songs alone? Must everything be funked and popped and rapped and mutiliated? But on this note…

#8 – Toto: Africa

This is a case of the song got killed for me. I loved this song, and This is Daniels favorite, meaning all conversation gets killed, the radio gets pumped to douche-lord point and if you get a word wrong, be prepared to army roll out of the car. Yes, Drop your shoulder and roll.

#7 – Slinkee Minx: Summer Rain

This song should not have been done by these girls. Why? because I said so! It went from a song about a woman losing her partner to war, and ended up in a skank fest covered in blue eyeshadow. NOT COOL, Slinkee Minx. Not cool.

#6 – Madonna: 4 Minutes

Can someone please tell this woman to just stop? Please? With a hey day ending back in the 90’s, we keep being subjected to a litany of songs that make people wishing for the “old days” when Madonna was still fresh and funky… not slutty and boring.

#5 – Lionel Richie : Hello? (Is it me you’re looking for?)

This song is one of the more famous by Lionel, but I do not see the attraction or why it is still played on the radio. A slow, ear gouging ballad that should have stayed in the vault.

#4 – LMFAO : Sexy and I know it

I do not think you understand the level of FML I feel whenever this comes on the radio. I have seriously never heard a more annoying or useless song in my life, irregardless of the popularity it has attained.

#3 – Lindsay Lohan: Confessions of a Broken heart

Like Madonna, she should have stopped way back when she was still cute and not a drug addict/shoplifter/serial party animal and not have brought out a song that makes me kind of want to run into the next ranga I drive past.

#2 – Celine Dion: My heart will go on*

*only exclusion is for when you are majorly over acting to make other cars occupants feel uncomfortable.

It’s My Heart Will Go On. “Nuff said.

#1 – Tori Amos: Cornflake Girl

Thank my mother for my hatred of this song. She killed it beyond resuciation and I’m pretty sure my sister agrees with me. The shrill voice, the raisin girls, the what da fuq?

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April 21: Ten instances where being a fat chick rocks.

Ok, so we all aware of the stigma surrounding being a plus size woman in a negative sized society. Tonight, I was feeling particularly bad about having more junk in my trunk, so I thought up 10 instances where it rocks.

1- AT CONCERTS (or any other place where people are in your way):

Being of bigger frame, I find my hip-and-shoulder  technique tends to be quite effective. This means I can get to where I need to go with out fear of being trampled on, and simultaneously barrage my way through. It also means that people GTFO of my way when they see me running through. It’s kind of like being a Trojan horse… without being made of wood and filled with 100 men all wanting to kill someone.

2- WHEN YOU’RE SICK:

I always wonder what would happen to my smaller sized family members if they were to get really sick. They would waste away to practically nothing, and have nothing left to fight whatever germ was munching on their immune system. I know that if I was to get sick, I would at least have a lot of body that could waste away before it became panic stations for every one. (Note to all those who care about me – if this happens to me, don’t stress. I’ll probably love the result.)

3- YOU CAN PULL OFF A LOT OF LOOKS THAT SKINNY LOVELIES JUST CANT:

The other day I was seated in front two girls who had about 50kg differentiating them but had the same look going on. I’m talking vanity curls, striking makeup, and rock-a-billy clothes. The smaller girl looked nice, I won’t deny that. But the bigger chick definitely had the “oomph” factor that made you stare in wonder at her. It was like the look had been made for the bigger girl, where as the petite one was just playing dress ups.

4- PEOPLE LOVE YOU, NOT YOUR LOOK:

Now, this isn’t to say that you skinny minnies don’t have “true” friends, it’s just to say that bigger people have to rely on their personalities to attract positive attention.
Bigger girls do tend to get “ignored” in social settings, such as clubs, pubs, parties etc. So we have to have a personality that draws people to us and makes them look beyond the number on the tag of our clothes. If we attract a guy’s notice, it’s not because you can see Tasmania at the bottom of our skirt, it’s because of our personality.
Again, I reiterate, this is not to say anything bad about our petite friends, this is just an observation I have made.

5- WE LEARN THE BEST COMEBACKS TO “FAT” JOKES:

Every big girl has had fat comments thrown at them out of malice. It’s always laughable when these comments come out of the mouth of someone who is also a big bottomed personage.
Early on, my Mum taught me a come-back that I still use today: I can lose my weight, but you’re always going to be an (insert whatever adjective you want here, eg. ignorant, ugly) (insert whatever name suits you here – I tend to go with the “F” word more than anything.)”
You learn how to turn their ignorant comment back on the person saying it, which tends to leave them open mouthed and looking like a Trout more than anything.

6- WE GET F****D WITH A LOT LESS:

During my five-year stop over at Domino’s, I spent a lot of time in dodgy neighborhoods where most women would have been afraid. I quickly learnt that being a big chick came with the advantage that people just wouldn’t mess with you. I don’t know if it’s because I’m told I can be intimidating or because they were worried I might sit on them, but hey! I will take this point and run with it.

7- WE LEARN, VERY EARLY ON, THAT BEAUTY IS NOT WHAT SOCIETY DEEMS, BUT WHAT WE ARE IN OURSELVES:

I remember being in high school and being teased about my weight incessantly. Because of this, I learnt that you should never ever judge a book by it’s cover. Ok, so someone might be what is deemed “fat” but they may have had a wicked sense of humor, been a great friend or been just like me, craving acceptance that their belly wouldn’t let them have. I don’t tease or belittle anyone for their size because I know that being big is not always a choice.

8- WE STAY WARMER IN WINTER:

This kind of ties in to my point about being sick – there is more of our body to help insulate us and keep us warm, as opposed to people who are skinny (be it naturally or otherwise) who have very little between their skin and their bones. Let’s not forget, it’s because of their blubber that we have gorgeous seals, polar bears and dolphins!!!

9- WE HAVE SOME AWESOME ROLE MODELS:

Curvy stars, such as the likes of the gorgeous Marilyn Monroe and Queen Latifah, provide us with role models who show us that being big is not a bad thing – it is part of who we are and we are a force to be reckoned with! These two stars in particular, as well as many like them, have/had shunned societies view of being fat as being unacceptable, and helped buck the trend that thin is in. When I am having day that makes me feel like I’m worthless because of my size, I put on a movie that showcases these beautiful ladies, because they prove to me that I am not worthless just because I have jiggly bits.

10- WE GET THE BEST SONGS WRITTEN FOR US:

Fat Bottomed Girls, By Queen
Big Girl, By Mika
Baby Got Back, By Sir Mix-A-Lot

These are my three favorite songs that promote curves and their lusciousness. Perfect for if you’re feeling less-than-adequate about your curves, your lumps, your bumps, and the size of your butt! I have these songs on my iPod and I use them as my “pump up” songs for when I’m going somewhere that I know I am going to self conscious at.

Disclaimer: this is not to belittle, upset, abuse, defame, humiliate or any other such negative feeling any women or men who are of smaller frame. This is just instances that I noticed rock for being a woman with junk in my trunk… and belly… and thighs!

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