July 5: Taking a step to achieve my dreams

It’s been scary, these last few months. I have had to make decisions regarding my future, my future family’s future, Dan and I’s future… and I don’t know how many more times I could have used the word “future” in one sentence.

I finally bit the bullet last night, and got together all the details, requirements, forms and what not that I needed to begin my nursing next year. Yes, I said it: I’m going to follow through on what I want and start my nursing. I already am a qualified PCA  which means I can work in nursing homes, but as I have said before, that isn’t what I want to do. Let’s head to the completely other end of the spectrum!

As I was going through all the requirements, testing, fees, I was getting scared. I started stressing: Am I good enough? Can I do it? Why am I even bothering? There’s no way I would be able to do this!

And then, I looked to the little me in my head that was saying all this, gave her a firm and stiff middle finger and thought “Eff you! I CAN do this!” – At that moment, something clicked. I don’t know what, and I don’t know how, but I DO know that I will do this. I will finish. I will take the steps I need to in order to achieve what I want.

I have decided I am going to take this one step at a time. I will finish out this year and do all I can preceding the start of the course. And from there? I’ll just take it one step at a time.

I’m excited for what I may reach – and for the decisions I am yet to make.

Midwifery/Doula?
Correspondence/In-House?
Local/QLD?

There are so many little things, so many variables, so many different outcomes from a single decision. ONE single decision can have so many far reaching effects, and I Think that is what scaring me the most. I am 25 years old – yet the amount of hard decisions I have made – far reaching impact ones, any way – isn’t that a great of a number. I am the master of the deferring of decisions. It frustrates Dan to no end, as I make very few decisions. Even something as small as what we are having for dinner will be deferred to his decision. I don’t know why I am like this, as I am usually a pretty headstrong person. But it appears concrete decisions are just a wee bit too hard for me.

I think that’s why I’m getting the heebie jeebies – these are decisions that only I can make, that only I can decide. There is no way someone can make the final choice on these. It’s all me, baby.

I think I just pooed my pants…

May 21: six month plan

Whoops! I haven’t blogged for three days and I didn’t even realise it. Now I am sitting here thinking, well, WTF do I blog about?

I have no idea on where to start – it kind of feels like when you haven’t spoken to a person in a while, and then you keep avoiding them because you just do not know what to stay to reopen dialogue. It’s only been three days!

I suppose I should explain where my last few days have been. I am generally a late-at-night blogger, and my doctor and I are actively working on getting a sleep pattern working that doesn’t start at 3am and finish at 1pm – which means by 9pm I’m at that tired, cant be screwed stage of doing anything.

On top of life, and doing the errands that you can’t escape every day, it feels as though my days and nights are filled and I tend to just forget about blogging. Something I will remedy, and I will catch up on, but I’m thinking you all will forgive me… you know, coz you love me and all 😀

The last week or so has been a definite in-depth view at my perception on life, the goals I want to achieve and the dreams I am still forming. I have come up with a six month plan that I will be putting into action:

• Decide which branch of midwifery I want to get into. Do I go for a midwife, which is medical needs, or a Doula, which is parental needs?
• Do I even want to stick with the midwifery side? I have been doing some reading, and there is a definite lack in mothercare nurses and lactation consultants.
• Have a significant reduction in all of my meds. However, if this is not done in six months, I will be ok with that. My mental health will be well cared for.
• Get savings up for the move we want to do. Decide where, when and how we are going to achieve this.
• Declutter our lives as much as possible. Whether by selling, chucking or donating, I will somehow get some order back into our lives.
• Take time out for me and what I need. I need to stop stressing about others and start remembering that I am important too!
• Get back on my exercise bandwagon – effective immediately. I’m remembering how good I felt when I was up and moving. I want this back.

Not a big list, but one that is going to take planning and perseverance. I have allowed myself some flexibility, I know and understand that I am not superwoman, so if things don’t happen bang on schedule, I will adapt and conform to the Universes wishes.

I am going to try and re-find myself and who I was, and try to scrape back some of the effervescence I once had. I miss being me!

Do you ever make plans and goals? What are they, and what do you do to make them come to fruition?