July 5: Taking a step to achieve my dreams

It’s been scary, these last few months. I have had to make decisions regarding my future, my future family’s future, Dan and I’s future… and I don’t know how many more times I could have used the word “future” in one sentence.

I finally bit the bullet last night, and got together all the details, requirements, forms and what not that I needed to begin my nursing next year. Yes, I said it: I’m going to follow through on what I want and start my nursing. I already am a qualified PCA  which means I can work in nursing homes, but as I have said before, that isn’t what I want to do. Let’s head to the completely other end of the spectrum!

As I was going through all the requirements, testing, fees, I was getting scared. I started stressing: Am I good enough? Can I do it? Why am I even bothering? There’s no way I would be able to do this!

And then, I looked to the little me in my head that was saying all this, gave her a firm and stiff middle finger and thought “Eff you! I CAN do this!” – At that moment, something clicked. I don’t know what, and I don’t know how, but I DO know that I will do this. I will finish. I will take the steps I need to in order to achieve what I want.

I have decided I am going to take this one step at a time. I will finish out this year and do all I can preceding the start of the course. And from there? I’ll just take it one step at a time.

I’m excited for what I may reach – and for the decisions I am yet to make.

Midwifery/Doula?
Correspondence/In-House?
Local/QLD?

There are so many little things, so many variables, so many different outcomes from a single decision. ONE single decision can have so many far reaching effects, and I Think that is what scaring me the most. I am 25 years old – yet the amount of hard decisions I have made – far reaching impact ones, any way – isn’t that a great of a number. I am the master of the deferring of decisions. It frustrates Dan to no end, as I make very few decisions. Even something as small as what we are having for dinner will be deferred to his decision. I don’t know why I am like this, as I am usually a pretty headstrong person. But it appears concrete decisions are just a wee bit too hard for me.

I think that’s why I’m getting the heebie jeebies – these are decisions that only I can make, that only I can decide. There is no way someone can make the final choice on these. It’s all me, baby.

I think I just pooed my pants…

June 3: Such a weird thing to be proud of…

As I have spoken about before, Ringless Hubby and I have been TTC for many years. We’ve been to doctors, specialists, testers – you name it, we’ve been there. We’ve both pretty much exhausted ourselves and I, for one, had all but given up. There were plenty of other avenues we could still take, including IUF and IVF – but realistically, we just couldn’t financially do it.

I was talking to my friend Kristy, who has been one of the ones who has copped everything about my feelings, and she told me about something she had heard of called “Vitex” or “Angus Castus” which you could by Over-The-Counter. Well, I scoured my area for it. Everywhere I could think of, everywhere my friends could think of, until I finally lost it and asked on FB. Wouldn’t you know it, the one place I didn’t think to check (and I don’t know why when it should have been my first) had it.

After paying all my bills and whatnot today, I had enough money for a packet of smokes (yes, I am a smoker, yes, I know this can affect, yes, I would quit if I fell pregnant) or the bottle of the vitamins. The bit that I am proud of? That I didn’t think about the smokes, because the pills were more important.

I know this may seem like something inconsequential to the majority of the people out there – but to me, this is a major step up for me. I get lectured all the time about smoking and how I should quit, but I know that there is no point trying to quite for others, it has to be for me.

Like I said, I know it’s only something small, but to me it’s a major shift. It shows to myself, more than anyone, how committed I am. I have chosen a potential over a certain.

But now comes the normal, agonising wait. In one little bottle, I have so much hope. Wish me Luck.