It’s been scary, these last few months. I have had to make decisions regarding my future, my future family’s future, Dan and I’s future… and I don’t know how many more times I could have used the word “future” in one sentence.
I finally bit the bullet last night, and got together all the details, requirements, forms and what not that I needed to begin my nursing next year. Yes, I said it: I’m going to follow through on what I want and start my nursing. I already am a qualified PCA which means I can work in nursing homes, but as I have said before, that isn’t what I want to do. Let’s head to the completely other end of the spectrum!
As I was going through all the requirements, testing, fees, I was getting scared. I started stressing: Am I good enough? Can I do it? Why am I even bothering? There’s no way I would be able to do this!
And then, I looked to the little me in my head that was saying all this, gave her a firm and stiff middle finger and thought “Eff you! I CAN do this!” – At that moment, something clicked. I don’t know what, and I don’t know how, but I DO know that I will do this. I will finish. I will take the steps I need to in order to achieve what I want.
I have decided I am going to take this one step at a time. I will finish out this year and do all I can preceding the start of the course. And from there? I’ll just take it one step at a time.
I’m excited for what I may reach – and for the decisions I am yet to make.
There are so many little things, so many variables, so many different outcomes from a single decision. ONE single decision can have so many far reaching effects, and I Think that is what scaring me the most. I am 25 years old – yet the amount of hard decisions I have made – far reaching impact ones, any way – isn’t that a great of a number. I am the master of the deferring of decisions. It frustrates Dan to no end, as I make very few decisions. Even something as small as what we are having for dinner will be deferred to his decision. I don’t know why I am like this, as I am usually a pretty headstrong person. But it appears concrete decisions are just a wee bit too hard for me.
I think that’s why I’m getting the heebie jeebies – these are decisions that only I can make, that only I can decide. There is no way someone can make the final choice on these. It’s all me, baby.
I think I just pooed my pants…