March 16: 2 Years. 24 Months. 104 Weeks. 731 Days. 17544 Hours. 1051200 Seconds. And it still hurts as much as it ever did.

Ellen Mary Midson was born in Young on 30/10/1917.
Over the course of her rich life, Ellen became the matriarch of a family so diverse and so far extended, that when she left us on the 16th of March 2010, she had over 100 descendants.
At 92 years of age, she was ready to leave this life, and was finally able to join the husband she had loved and lived without for almost 22 years. She was also able to be mother and mother-in-law once again to her daughter and her son-in-law, who had gone before her, six years and one year earlier respectively.
Amongst so many family, she was my Nanny, and was one of the most important people in my life, whose influence and love was pivotal in making me who I am today. The grief I feel having lost her is indescribable.

Today marks 2 years since my life had her physical presence in it. And while I have experienced amazing things in that time, I would give them all away in a fraction of a heart beat just to have her for five minutes. No, I lie. I wouldn’t need a five minutes. I just want her long enough to hug her, stroke her hair, and tell her that I love her. And maybe clean her finger nails for her.

Nanny telling me the same story used to drive me crazy; and now, I would give my right hand to hear her tell me something that I have already heard a million times.

I get moments when I get wafts of that smell which has no true definition: only a very broad description that is understood to be “Nanny’s house.”

There are feelings that no one can ever escape. And that feeling is physical, it hurts. It feels like a knife sitting in your heart, and twisting with every word, every thought, every wish.

Even for someone as non-religious as I, you find yourself making bargains with a God that you are not even sure exists.

I will give up everything, EVERYTHING, if you let her come back.
I will change my life, if you let her come back.
I will start going to Church, if you let her come back.
I will start living my life by the bible, If you let her come back.

And when these bargains go unfulfilled, and you’re standing in funeral home staring at the body of the woman who you idolise, and willing with all your heart that she would just wake up. You still bargain, you pledge your first born child, you pledge your happiness, you pledge anything and everything… and you mean it, too.

When you’re sitting in a church that is draped in Purple, and you’re staring at the most beautiful coffin you have ever seen and you know what is contained therein, your bargains get more ludicrous as you start to get to desperate.

Come on, God, please. Please don’t take her away from me. Please don’t break my heart. Name your price, and I will pay it.

And then, and you don’t even know how you got there, you are standing in a cemetery, not even 10 meters away from where your Dad is buried. You feel a hand on your back, and you think it might be your mum, or your partner, or your aunty – but even two years on you still don’t know. All you know is that there is a hole they are going to put your beautiful, amazing Grandmother in. They’re going to cover her in dirt and walk away and leave her alone, in the dark, without even her rosary beads there, and you start to lose it.

Take me, please. This world can’t ever be the same without her in it anyway. I don’t want to be here if she isn’t. Please God, just f***ing take me… coz I can’t do it anymore. Not without her. Never without her.

This is the bit where you feel your heart break. This is the bit where you feel Deaths cold, ruthless hand on your shoulder and you know nothing will ever be the same. Your bargaining turns to soul-consuming hatred and all you want to do is die yourself, just so you can tell God exactly what you think.

You want to stay at the cemetery, all night and all day, just so you know she isn’t left alone under a pile of dirt. You want to sit there and talk to her, and never go.

But somebody grabs your hand, and gently tugs you away. They tell you that it is all going to be OK, and you stand there, leaning in and crying for what you have had to leave behind… and all you think is:

“How?”

And then they say that it will get easier one day, and all you think is:

“When?”

And then they say that she knew you loved her. And you say to yourself:

“Please God… Just let me have her back…”

It is such a hard day today, Nanny.

Is it real that you’re not here?

Is it true that I wont get to see you

Any special day of the year?

I miss you so very much Nanny,

and I love you so much more.

I know you’re not in pain now, Nanny,

of that one thing, I am sure.

It’s still hard to think of you,

Is it you that dries my tears?

I know I’ll feel your hand on my shoulder

as I somehow plod through the years.

I can’t wait to see you Nanny

I wish my time would come…

but then I know what you would say

That I still have work to be Done…

Is it warm there, Nanny?

can you see your knitting well?

I bet you dont drop stitches now;

that you dont have to stop for a spell!

and how is your Crocheting going?

are you still doing fancy designs?

I know that it is gorgeous again

and always one of a kind.

Are you cooking all that you used to?

and is the water always right?

you can cook all you want now,

no stopping for the night.

Do they have your special brand

of Sago that you preferred?

Coz you dont like that “other stuff”,

I remember having heard.

And I’ll bet you never run out of jars

to preserve your cherries in;

and do you still seal them tight

in their lids made of tarnished tin?

What about your port wine jelly?

do they have it there for you?

I am so sure if they didn’t,

you would make sure they did, wouldn’t you!

And tell me, Nanny, have you met

The God that you so love?

I hope He’s taking care of you

in your castle up above.

But Nanny, still, do you know

that I think of you every day…

and my Life would still be so much better

If He hadn’t taken you away…

January 2nd: Being asked an unanswerable question.

Have you ever been asked an unanswerable question?

I have two things that I would move Heaven and Earth to have. They’re not materialistic, such as a new car, a house, or even my midwifery dream.

Both of these things are so deeply buried in my soul that when I was asked to choose, I honestly couldn’t. I found a question to which I had no answer, and Google couldn’t even help me!
To take a quote from the distinguished Captain Feathersword, you could have blown me down with a feather! Wow… two of my deepest, fiercest dreams and someone was expecting me to make a choice. I thought on this conundrum for days; and I still don’t have an answer, but I now highly doubt I ever will.

“Hey Kloi… If you had to choose between having a baby, or having your nan back, what would you choose?”

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My Great-Grandmother, Ellen Mary, was born on 30/10/1917 and joined my Pop after more than 20 years of widow-ship on 16/3/2010. To say that my world was broken is an understatement. Few know just how deeply depressed and black I became. My life was shaken, and it will never be the same. Ever.

Nanny was a verifiable angel. She grew up in the depression, so if anything was free she took it with both hands! She never drank, but did have a shandy at birthdays, christenings, weddings and funerals… considering there is over 100 descendants of her, I’m sure you can see the funny side to that statement. She was “the Knitting Lady” in my hometown, and every body loved her. Nanny was devoutly religious, and knew from an early age that one day she would be worthy of God and a place in Heaven. My Mum said after Nanny has passed, “I certainly hope there is a God, because if there isn’t, Nanny is gonna be pi-iiiissed!”

Nanny was not just “Nan” to our family. She was, to just about every one, Nanna Midson.
But to me, she was something worth aspiring to. To my mum, Nan was even more.
Don’t get me wrong, there are times where I think I should have done more for Nanny. I should have behaved differently and realised the jewel she was much earlier than I did. But, I like to think that Nanny always knew how much I loved her – and I never left her company without telling her so – and that she knew how pivotal she was to my life.

For the last couple of months of Nanny’s life, I began driving to Myrtleford of a Thursday afternoon, and taking Nanny out for lunch and a “caffecina” at Heiners Bakery. When she was admitted to hospital in Early March. 2010, I realised that I wasn’t going to have my Nanny forever… I wasn’t going to have my Nanny for a few more months… I was going to be lucky to have her for a few more days.

Every second day I was in Myrtleford, sitting beside Nanny in her hospital. We would talk… or rather, I would talk, and Nanny would nod at the Angels who I believe were surrounding her bed. If she slept, I would sit quietly and read. But when she was in pain, or delirious… It was the most agonising thing in my life. I was watching someone who had kissed my booboos, made me yummy meals, hugged my hurt away, and taught me more in the final weeks of her life than anyone else ever will. And I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t ease it. I couldn’t help her.

I learnt what helplessness was. On March 15th, I had to leave the room, and I could still hear her screams and cries from inside, through a closed door. I stood outside her door, sobbing because I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t do anything.

That was the last time I saw her. If only I knew then what I do know.

I was due to go back on the 17th, and had planned to be there by 1130am. But at 7.13am on the 16th, I was woken by Daniel. I told him how I felt weird, and how I just wanted to cry. I remember him saying, “It’s about to get worse. She’s gone, Babe.”

I remember lying there for a minute, being totally stunned, but hearing this banshee-like scream in my head. And the flood gates opened. I cried myself sick.
I went out the front to have a smoke, and I could still see my Grandmothers footprints from where she came to the door to tell Daniel. And I cried. I screamed. I vomited. And I hated. Hated, everything.

Realising that Nanny was gone wasn’t happening for me – and it still isn’t to an aspect. I remember her funeral, and I remember doing what I know she would have wanted me to. But in reality, the weeks and months passed afterward in a vale of tears. I only found out much later how worried so many people were of me.

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I even now have bouts where I can’t stop crying. Ask my manicurist, Rach! She copped it the other day, unlike any one has in the last few months.  And I posed to her the question asked of me. Rach gave me the simplest answer, and one I hadn’t even thought of… “I wouldn’t choose.”

I ended up answering the poser just as simply. “You can not make me choose between things like that.”

On reading back over this blog, I have deviated so far from what I wanted to say. This seemed to write itself, and as such, I don’t think I will change it.

Inside every persons life is a jewel. Cherish it, Polish it, Take better care of it than you do of yourself. One day, your jewel will be gone; your heart will be broken; and your life shattered.

In Memory Of,
Ellen Mary Midson
Born in Young, 30/10/1917
Died in Myrtleford, 16/03/2010

Good Morning Nanny. I love you.
I miss you more, today, than yesterday…
But not as much as tomorrow…