April 7: When is it OK to fart in front of a new boyfriend?

Oh, the age-old question. Will I? Wont I? Can I? Should I?

Personally, I have never had this issue. You know how people say “Love me, love my (insert generic pet/car/tv show here)”? With me, it’s love me, put up with my farts, or beat them.

I am very lucky in that Daniel and I bonded over a love (albeit, slightly exaggerated on my behalf) of CCR and his ability to leave a mushroom cloud in the cool room where we worked. So I never had this problem – in fact, I sometimes wonder if he encouraged it in the way that he fed me Hungry Jacks the night he first slept over. Fool!

But I do know that there are women out there who have never farted in front of their partners. They leave the room, or go to the toilet, or let it leak out of their butts in the hope that no one will notice it. Me? I cock the leg, aim, and fire. If you’re in my fart line, it sucks to be you my friend!!!

My sister (13) has just embarked on a relationship with a young fella from her school. (Before I go too much further, I should explain that in my sisters body is something that doesn’t process sulphur like it should, which means her farts are exceptionally vomit worthy – she can clear a room, fart on demand, and leave Daniel in her Rotten dust tracks in the flatulence area.) Her boyfriend actually allows her to sit on his lap, and if she farts, doesn’t care. (Hi-5 to this dude, he can stand what her own family can’t!) So clearly, she doesn’t have this problem either.

My brother (24) is known to have farting competitions with his girlfriends, and if hers don’t measure up to his standard then she is ridiculed, big time. To be fair, this could just be the male obsession with farts, but who knows?

Take the couple that we all know, Shrek and Fiona. How awesome is their relationship? They hold nothing back and delight in making personal spas for eachother in their little swamp pool. I love that!
Seriously, is it worth holding in your gas if you have a new boyfriend? Aren’t they meant to be all-accepting of you and whatever gas is eking out your butt that day? Personally, I think not. We all know that everyone on this planet farts, they generally smell, and if they make you vomit then the rules state that you HAVE to high five them.

I have never held back my farts, I don’t see why I should. And when I have done one that is so bad that Daniel concedes defeat, I will admit that I high-Five myself.

What are your views?

Should you hold the flow, or let it rip?

Or are you slightly more sinister, and let it brew under the blanket all night, so you can greet your partner with a Dutchie in the Morning?